Humor: Donald Trump is actually a bird

Parker Murray

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Before we all vote in the primaries coming up, let’s all face the facts: some of the candidates are good, some are bad and some are actually birds.

After months of charts, graphs and research I have discovered the truth: the truth about Donald Trump. Donald Trump is a bird.

First, let’s look at Trump’s name, Donald. Who else do we know who’s named Donald? Perhaps a Disney character that is also a bird, Donald Duck. But it gets weirder.

Donald Trump has the same first name as Donald Glover. Donald Glover wrote for “30 Rock,” a TV show that had Tracy Morgan in it. What movie was Tracy Morgan in? “Rio 2,” a movie about birds. You can’t argue with these facts.

We all know that cats hate birds. We all know the Chris Christie dropped out of the race after losing some primaries to Trump, then recently endorsed the real-life bird man. Judging from Christie’s sad, regretful face when he stands next to Trump at campaign events, we can assume that Trump trapped Christie into endorsing him with his giant, weird bird wings. We can also assume that Christie still hates Trump. Christie’s zodiac sign is a tiger, tigers are cats, cats hate birds, Christie hates Trump. Therefore, through logic, we know that Trump is a bird.

One of the most defining characteristics about Trump’s appearance is the toupee that he wears. We’ve all assumed that it was to hide that he is bald, but after months of following Trump, I can say with extreme accuracy that Trump isn’t bald, and that is not a toupee. Those are feathers. Birds have feathers, Trump has feathers, Trump is a bird.

Trump Tower is 1,388 feet tall. Why does he need a tower that is that tall? Simple. He needs a nest that allows him to soar. Birds have nests, Donald Trump is a bird.

I know what you’re thinking, “Donald Trump is good at business, birds are notorious for their impulsivity with money.” I cite one bird, one bird who dove into gold coins because of his skills with money: Scrooge McDuck.

The facts are here, Trump is a bird. I can show more evidence to further convince you, but I feel as if this is enough for now. The true question is what kind of bird is he.

We can all remember the video of Trump holding a bird on his shoulder, the bird was not pleased with Trump, first because the bird knew that Trump was lying about his true species, but we can also assume that the two birds, the bird on his shoulder and Trump, are natural enemies. The bird on his shoulder was a bald eagle. Bald eagle’s are prey to great horned owls. Who is a great horned owl? Donald Trump.

Let’s look at the species of the great horned owl, they’re native to North America, who else is native to North America? Donald Trump. I rest my case.

Trump being a bird explains a lot about his opinions. Building a wall means nothing to him as he and his brothers and his sisters, they can all fly over it. He seemingly has no filter because birds don’t understand the modern social norms.

So before you go out to vote in the primaries, I leave you with one thought: who would you rather have running this country, a bird … or a real human being?