Reduced fat Cheez-Its suck (mathematically, scientifically, historically and objectively proven)

Athena Jasman, Columnist

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I know I’m supposed to be politically correct during the current year, but I can’t keep ignoring the fact that people who like reduced fat Cheez-Its are ruining our country. The Reducies are taking my good, old fashioned American shelf space, and filling it with their 120 calorie nonsense. 

Have you tried a reduced fat Cheez-It? Because I have. I bought a whole box. They taste like how dog food smells, they’re more expensive than regular Cheez-Its and they weigh less. They’re 11.5 ounces of lies.

Even Fooducate.com refers to this snack as “Worse than Average” with a C rating. Though this may be an offensive description for a C to many of you collegiate readers, I agree with it on the grounds that reduced fat Cheez-Its suck.

Have I ever heard of this website before writing this article? No. Have you? Probably not. But at least now we both know that it is an extremely reputable source for food education. 

You know what Cheez-Its are? BAKED. Baked chips are already healthier than regular chips — that’s why you feel such a dietary pride in grabbing the slightly-less-yellow-and/or-kind-of-light-brownish (scientifically speaking) Lay’s bag that screams “BAKED” instead of just using the regular flavor’s obnoxiously loud yellow color to call you into the chip aisle.

This is literal science! If baked Lay’s are healthier and have less fat than normal Lay’s, and Cheez-Its are already a BAKED snack cracker, then making another version of Cheez-It’s with 40 percent less fat is obviously just going to make it taste like dog feces after Fido eats an entire pack of American Singles (the Kraft cheese, not the dating pool in your area).

What we really need is a version of Cheez-Its with more fat, I’m talking at least an 80 percent increase. That’s the percentage lost from Original Lay’s to Oven Baked, people.

I’m no math major, (and I will always have to sing Pop Goes the Weasel in order to recite the Quadratic Formula) but I’m pretty sure that I can logically conclude that if “Original Lays – 80 percent fat = Cheez-Its” is true, then “Cheez-Its – 40 percent fat = Fido + Kraft Singles.” I hope I’m making Professor Hogg proud with this bastardized version of Intro to Logic. 

I’ve scoured the internet (aka the Zoomer Library) for which company actually introduced Cheez-It Baked Snack Crackers Original Reduced Fat (CIBSCORF). History lesson: Cheez-Its is a foster child that has been passed around by mother companies, let me tell you. Here we go.

In 1906, Kelloggs is founded in our very own Michigan, but that isn’t even “Cheez-It: Origins,” okay? That’s the prequel. That’s foreshadowing.

Cheez-It crackers began crowning from the womb of the Green & Green Company in 1921. Who are they? I don’t know, because they’re irrelevant now.

Boom, Sunshine Biscuits. In 1932, they acquired Green & Green Company, which, by the way, was based in Dayton, Ohio — this is important in a second.

Sunshine Biscuits becomes a subsidiary of the Keebler Company in 1996. Don’t know what these words mean? Starting to think of Keebler elves? Doesn’t matter because Kellogg’s, in its Battle Creek, Michigan glory, has arrived and has taken Cheez-Its from the hands of Dayton, Ohio in 2001 and is still in control of the red box of orange squares to this day.

Now, I’m not really in the know about Michigan’s rivalry with Ohio, (I think it has to do with sports or something unimportant like that. I don’t know. I’m just here to talk crackers.), but I know enough to say that this is clearly a win against Ohio that’s actually worth celebrating.

Green & Green Company who? The only image that title gives me is the Green Giant, and that’s not even their product. Literally everyone knows what Kellogg’s is.

And guess what? Through my intensive research, I found that reduced fat is listed among the 40 flavors that have existed since Cheez-Its’ “introduction,” and since Green & Green Company introduced Cheez-Its, they are responsible for its reduced fat cousin, which means… There is now a valid reason to hate Ohio.