The true test of love

The true test of love

Jake Keeley

Whoever would have thought that in an environment filled with age-appropriate, eligible singles, dating would become so difficult? Whatever the reasons, (lack of funds, lack of interest or lack of time), dating has a taken a backseat to obligations we have deemed more important. But now, you’re ready to accelerate this process. You simply don’t have the time to court all of these people appropriately.

Luckily for you, I have the solution: apply to be a contestant on “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette.” If you get on, just the interactions with Chris Harrison would be enough, that guy is the show. Accounting for the improbable chance that you don’t get selected, you can always lean on the greatest (or worst) board game ever, Monopoly.

Hear me out: You can learn everything you need to know about a person in a single game of Monopoly. Sore winner, sore loser, cheater, cunning, manipulative, honest, or none of the above, all discovered within the time it takes to play a single game. Better yet, this one is easy on the wallet if you can just keep reminding yourself in the heat of the battle that the exchange rate from U.S. to Monopoly money is not in fact one-to-one.

“But I had so much fun playing Monopoly when I was a kid!” Exactly. You “had” fun. There is no longer fun to be “had” as you will use Monopoly strictly to begin weeding out the losers.

Now, I’m not going to tell you who to date, but if it were up to me, I’d simply challenge the person who finished in second place (I would win, obviously) to a rematch, only this time I would raise the stakes. Make it a two-person game. Clearly, whoever designed the box with a minimum of two players made a crucial error, because make no mistake about it, they did not design Monopoly for two players. I’m actually surprised that the recall hasn’t come out yet, because there is nothing more cutthroat than a two-person Monopoly game. This is exactly the kind of scenario that you are looking for. Remember, we’re trying to squeeze in weeks full of dating into a couple of hours. Efficiency, people.

Just as any relationship begins, you have to feel each other out, let your opponent off easy on a couple of properties, remind them to collect as they pass “go,” make them feel comfortable. Then inevitably comes your first disagreement. They try to stay over your place for free, and as you do anyone else, you charge them heavily for it.

It’s only fitting, you did invest a lot into that property. This is where you learn the most, if your opponent is going to start throwing a fit, you might as well end the game right there because this relationship is going no further. However, if your opponent hunkers down for the ensuing slugfest, you might have someone worth keeping around for a while.

Granted, you are all Monopoly masters, but in case you need a refresher, always be the top hat, never the shoe, don’t waste your time in the slums, pay up for the fourth turn on the board, and always, I mean always, be the banker. Remember, people have done worse things than trade in a $100 for an extra $500. Mr. Monopoly, aka Rich Uncle Pennybags, and his monocle would be proud.

Now, bust out your outdated, pop-culture referencing board and start taking names.