Nov. 1 is a day that will live in infamy, a day that shall henceforth be known as Underage-Drinking-Apocalypse-Day. The day minors will be stripped of their power to drink without adult permission.

Or at least that’s what the governments of Michigan and 30 other states are hoping. The new law will require retailers to attach tags to any kegs of beer sold. The tags will bear the name and driver’s license number of the purchaser so that if cops break up an underage party, they know who to chase through the woods in his underwear.

Under the new law, if the tag is removed, the purchaser cannot get the $30 deposit back.

Here’s why this doesn’t make sense.

Kids aren’t stupid

Okay, so let’s assume we’re underage drinkers (not that anyone reading this would drink underage – you’re all good Grand Valley students, right?). We’re having a party. A big party. A party so ungodly large that a 30 pack of Miller Light or a BYOB rule just won’t do. We need a keg, but we want that deposit.

Thankfully, we’re all Grand Valley students – which means we’re really, really clever. That previously stated ungodly large party will probably have at least 30 people. $1 a piece, and the deposit is covered. Or, we just empty the keg into another container and stash the real one some place safe. Crisis averted.

The cabinet is closer

Kegs can run $60 or more (depending on whether or not you want a lot of bad beer, or a lot of good beer). Chances are, these alcoholic underaged friends of ours aren’t foreign to drinking liquor. I mean, that’s where it all starts, isn’t it? Stealing whiskey from your parents’ kitchen cabinet? With $60 or more, you could by enough cheap liquor to get a third-world country smashed.

Kids do what they want

It’s a myth that laws like these will prevent minors from drinking. The ones who drink are going to do it anyway. They’re obviously already breaking the law, and adding one more rule to a long list of ineffective rules won’t change a thing. The kids who abstain do so because they just don’t want to – be it because of their moral convictions or general lack of interest.

Let’s face it. The real problem with drinking is driving. Someone explain to me how it’s worthwhile to crack down on keg sales, wasting valuable time and money, instead of focusing on the people who drive drunk. I think there may be misplaced priorities here.

kvanantwerpen

@lanthorn.com