Tindér: Red and Gold

Athena Jasman, Columnist

Being in a committed relationship sucks for many reasons, but there is one clear, overbearing con: not being able to make fun of tinder bios. I know what you’re thinking: “What’s Timber? A dating app for lumberjacks?” No, but put a pin in that idea because you’re a genius. Tinder is a very niche, indie, underground app that not many people know about, so don’t feel too bad for being confused.

While my friends would sit around swiping away and showing each other what Tinder cards were found as if Chad was some sort of Pokemon, I could only sit there reading loving texts from my boyfriend. Pfft, talk about a waste of time. So, once those three long years of Tinder-deprivation ended, I downloaded the app.

I realized that Tinder is, in fact, exactly like Pokemon. The Tinder boys are all encapsulated in a little circle, only to come out when you need them to do something for you. The kinds of Tinder cards you can collect (or refuse to collect) aren’t super varied, although I’m sure if you were dumb enough to sink money into Tinder card-collecting, you would find some rarities that aren’t entirely useless.

But for now, I’m gonna give you the run-down for what you will find from Tinder boys (it’s generally the same for Tinder girls on a generic basis of stupid bios and uninteresting photos, but I’ll write an article specific to them in another issue).

First, there’s the starter pack. Everyone has enough of these to fill a couple decks and then some. The bios say “Idk what to put here,” “snap: hookupsonly69,” “8’4 if that matters,” or any combination of these three.

Then there’s the theme deck. Made up of cards that seem special, but are actually more common than starters. Seasoned collectors recognize these cards as having even less unique or interesting value than the starters.

Yes, I’m referring to the “The Office” Tinder cards. These bios will have one of the following phrases: “Looking for the Pam to my Jim,” “First date: The Office and pizza,” “If you watch The Office, I’m already in love with you,” and “Please watch The Office with me, please, it’s all I have left.” Or, for the cards belonging to a -5 personality with +2 Googling ability, the following: “Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.” or “‘You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. -Wayne Gretzky’ -Michael Scott.’”

There are miscellaneous cards, though they are as common and lacking in personality as those mentioned so far (if not moreso): “Not sure what I’m looking for,” “Here for a good time not a long time,” “Swipe to see my dog,” “I love adventures,” “Hunting, Fishing, Kayaking, (Insert sport here),” “Good vibes only,” “420 friendly,” and finally “My friends wanted me to get this so I made this while drunk and I’m high and my friend made it for me and I didn’t want to make a Tinder but I haven’t deleted it because uhh… anyway here for a good time not a long time and I’m not on here much and I’m trying to delete this app so here’s my Snapchat.”

Some Tinder cards can be categorized simply based on their pictures, because they have the aforementioned generic bios. There are Tinder cards that consist of photos with the guy posing with a fish, a car or a barbell, and are equivalent to Pokemon energy cards. They’re everywhere, but nobody wants them.

If you or someone you know is looking to change their personal Tinder from an energy card to the Charizard 1st edition holographic no shadow card of Tinder, email me at [email protected] (this is real) with all of your Tinder information, and I will personally write you a bio that isn’t generic and/or boring and/or the worst thing anyone has ever had to read.

I also specialize in the “first message” as well as the “first response,” if you have trouble figuring out how to capture your match and keep it captured. Here’s a free sample: If you’re an organ donor, your bio should be “someone else has my kidney but you can have my heart.” Whatever Tinder-related problem you have is no match for me! I also accept Bumble ghostwriting requests.