Humor: Love sucks and you don’t need it

Parker Murray

This weekend was Valentine’s Day, and if you’re anything like me, you’re going to die alone. Anyone that says you can’t be single on Valentine’s Day is wrong, and if you don’t know how, here are some tips to help get you through this romantic day.

Something that I’m doing this Valentine’s Day is going out for lunch alone. Who needs to follow these cultural norms about eating with a partner today when you can go to a restaurant and eat alone, watching happy couples remind you of what you once had?

When you’re at the restaurant for lunch, you can cope with your pangs of loneliness the same way that I have since I was a kid — by eating your feelings. Order that appetizer, you deserve it. Get that extra order of fries. If you’re eating, you can’t remember Jess. Order that dessert, treat yo’self!

Who said that you can’t take a nap on Valentine’s Day? Sure, you can remember what she felt like in your arms as the two of you fell asleep, but you don’t need her. You don’t need her.

Before your nap, watch some Netflix. Netflix is a great way to pass the time, you have nothing to do today. Before you know it, hours will have passed without thinking about Jess. Good for you!

Make sure that when you wake from your dream in tears reliving your breakup, you have a box of tissues near so you can quickly dry those tear ducts. If you get them quick enough, it’s like you didn’t even cry.

When you go the bathroom to shower, make sure that you see the note you put on your mirror. Make sure it says something positive to remind you that you can be happy, like “dreams can become reality,” or “you can make yourself happy,” or even “it’s OK to be alone. I know it hurts right now, but know that she wasn’t right for you.”

Wow, already feeling better. After your shower, it’s time to go out to eat again! Make sure you bring your phone so you can browse your social media to avoid looking your server in the eye.

When you’re on your phone, you can see more memes than you ever knew existed, you can look at that girl that you had a crush on in high school to see how she’s doing, you can look at Jess’s Instagram just to check up on her.

Try not to go on your ex-girlfriend’s social media, it will only make you more sad, but you might anyway and find out Jess has a new boyfriend. You two broke up two weeks ago, she must have been cheating on you. Sounds like a perfect time to send a text.

You start typing, then realize you’re not that guy. You aren’t the type guy to send a text to your ex accusing her of cheating, you’re the type of guy to send her a text that says “Happy Valentine’s Day,” with three purple heart emojis. That seems friendly.

Now it’s time to go to a movie. Oh look, Jess hasn’t texted back. Oh well, better turn your phone off during the movie. When you turn your phone back on, she still hasn’t texted back.

You get home and crawl under your covers — shouldn’t have left your bed today. Nobody can hurt you from here. You look at your phone one last time to see that she still hasn’t texted back. I miss you, Jess. You look at the clock. It’s after midnight. You did it, you survived the day of love all by your lonesome!

Hope these Valentine’s Day tips helped you have a good holiday alone like I have. Always remember, you don’t need the perfect girl or guy to make yourself happy, you can try to do that all by yourself.