Have you been told by your significant other that you’re “too possessive” and you need to “chill out”? Do you commonly find yourself trying to keep people in places they don’t want to be? Do you enjoy ruining the lives of men, women and children who have done absolutely nothing to harm you in any way – all the while laughing maniacally and twirling your mustache between your thumb and pointing finger?

If you answered yes to any of those questions, you may be a perfect fit for the world of privatized prisons.

Last Wednesday, The New York Times ran an article titled “Companies Use Immigrations Crackdowns to Turn a Profit” – an in-depth look at the world of private detention corporations used in countries like the U.S., Australia and Britain.

These companies maintain facilities where immigrants seeking asylum are detained “indefinitely.”

There’s no reason that you can’t make a profit in such an industry as well. With hostile situations in the Middle-East and elsewhere, the need to imprison those who flee for their lives is more important than ever.

With few competitors, you can easily build a company from the ground up. To make sure you’re the lowest bidder at the table, you can build a homemade detainment kit from scratch – all you’ll need is some chicken fence, duct tape, some peanuts in case they get hungry and probably a little bleach to burn out what’s left of your conscience.

Additionally, running a private prison is a worry-free job. Is a prisoner pregnant? It’s OK – just let the child spend the first nine years of her life in that prison with her mother – it’ll build character (this actually happened). Got an immigrant waiting in solitary confinement until you can find him some other suitable country to ship him off to? It’s okay – he can wait until you get back from the golf course. Oh no – had too much wine at the golf course? Got too busy chatting with your pals about the best brand of yacht? Forgot to file that detainee’s paper work? Not a problem. Someone will remember in six years or so. It’s not like had a place to go anyway, right?

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