Two weeks ago, I wrote a column explaining everything you new kids would need to know to survive. When you read my second column, you may have thought I took you by the hand, led you into the jungle and then abandoned you.

But fear not my child – I have come back to guide you out of the darknesss,.

Now we’re three weeks into the new semester, and this is the part where you call your parents and start bawling.

Take a word from the wise. If you want to survive this semester, you’re going to have to get rid of a few small and unnecessary things.

1. Sleep: This is the first thing to go. Let’s face it – the convenience of the modern age has brought us many sleep substitutes, such as coffee, Red Bull and the frat house next door. With all of these opportunities available, there’s no excuse for studying left undone. Didn’t do your reading in time for your Monday morning 9 a.m.? Brew up some coffee and hunker down. (Warning: prolonged periods of sleep loss may turn you into a crazy Lanthorn columnist.)

2. Friendship: Friends are for high schoolers who have something to prove. Here in college, you only need one thing – a grade. Well … you also need a job, sustenance, a decent supply of coffee and an occasional shower. But the point is, when has playing drunken board games at a dorm party ever improved someone’s career? Unless you’re a Jersey Shore kid, the answer is never.

3. Social Skills: The more time you spend studying, the less acclimated you will become to the human condition. You’ll find yourself wandering out into the sunlight to find a cup of coffee and wondering to yourself, “What are these creatures are doing here, and why are they smilling?”

During your readings, you may come across words like “love,” “loyalty,” “happiness” and “orgasm.” Pay no attention to these. You won’t need them once you reach the corporate world anyway.

This may seem like a depressing column, but trust me: it gets better. Really, it has to – what other options do you have?

kvanantwerpen@

lanthorn.com