Dear Freshmen,

Welcome to Grand Valley State University! I hope that you are excited by the opportunities ahead of you and the many, many, many sleepless nights you have in your near future.

However, like the self-cannibals that you are, you shouldn’t get too full of yourselves. Currently, you are at the bottom of the totem pole and will only be able to rise to the top if you work hard, keep your nose to the grindstone and sleep with the right professors. (Thanks for the A-, Mr. Schellinger!)

Having been in college for four years already, I can say that I’ve had my fair share of experiences, and would like to pass this information to you. You will succeed, as long as you…

1. Get drunk every weekend. Whether you have a fake ID or some other way of acquiring alcohol (thanks for the Four Loko, Mr. Schellinger!), getting loaded is the only effective way to battle the Back-To-School Blues, rather than Campus Life Night or countless other free activities.

2. Don’t meet people early on. If you came into GVSU blind, chances are you won’t see your friends very often. This is a great opportunity to be a shut-in and disregard the rest of the world.

3. Ignore office hours. Professors may say that they are here to help you out, but it is my journalistic duty to inform you that office hours are useless. Not only do you waste your own time, which could be spent on being a recluse, but you waste the professor’s time. I know what you are going to ask, and yes, they do bite.

4. Don’t look for a job. This is pretty much a no-brainer, but I would feel bad if I didn’t at least touch on the subject of employment. Let’s face it, jobs are for poor people, and you are in college which means that you’re not poor. You are, in fact, “rolling in the big bucks.” Unless of course, you are Adele, who is rolling in something else entirely.

You may not understand this right now, but I have unofficially taken on the role of being your guide through this crazy year ahead of you.

But perhaps the most important advice I can give you is to do your own thing, and not necessarily listen to what other people are saying (except for me).

Although, occasionally your friends will have some good recommendations, especially on professors, so feel free to listen to them. (Thanks for Mr. Schellinger, Tiffany!)

Love,

Chris Slattery

[email protected]