I hate Christmas. I’m not a fan of snow, ham or hearing the same seven horrible songs over and over every year. Why do I feel so alone on this?

I can’t be the only person who dreads the end of daylight savings time and the dozens of ‘special’ greetings and jokes that come with the end of the year. “Which reindeer had the cleanest antlers?” …Who cares? Shut up. Please. (If you don’t know the answer, email me so I can tell you to Google it.)

I just feel like everything is so forced now. With every concerning party having its own agenda, I don’t know what’s real. Companies want me to buy a ton of stuff I don’t need. My family wants me to be nice to relatives I find annoying. All the while everybody is begging me not to drink, and I’m expected to keep a smile on my face the whole time. How does everybody do it? What am I missing?
Maybe it’s my diet. I feel like everybody is usually still buzzing off of his or her sweet Thanksgiving offerings well into December. I, on the other hand, am a vegetarian. One that usually finds his plate sporting the two to three specially made side dishes he guilted his family into preparing with the rest of the food.

Maybe the lack of attention to turkey, and the overall lack of variety makes me lose my holiday buzz. Maybe the turkey buzz is what I need to weather the onslaught of corny and mind-numbingly boring holiday ads that come around every year. Better yet, maybe it’s the eggnog! Maybe my diet’s lack of that disgusting, yellow, phlegm-like substance is what makes me such a grouch…I doubt it, but I mean…I’ve believed claims much more extraordinary than that.

Maybe my love for the holidays died when I figured out that Santa didn’t really get that Sega Saturn. Maybe my tiny black heart began its gradual withering when I stopped believing that an overweight, elderly man was silently breaking into to my house and leaving me presents….Now that I’m putting the thought on paper it seems much more creepy than it did back then…I’m starting to think the idea of Santa Claus is what did it for me.

At any rate I feel as though I’m trapped. Christmas isn’t going to go away (or Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas is You” for that matter) and there’s nothing I can do to fix the situation. I’m either forced to be a buzz kill, or to attempt to mask my immense feelings of indifference I have toward the holidays. Either way…don’t expect anything extravagant in that fancy box I gave you.
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