Hi! My name is Chris. I am 8 years old. I like skateboarding and my cat and Pokemon cards. I hate math and girls. They’re icky. They smell like flowers and put their hair in ponytails. Gross!

As an 8-year-old genius, I have decided to go to Grand Valley State University. When I got here, I found out that it’s all girls! Why didn’t anyone tell me?! Now I have to sit next to Jeanie, who likes Lady Gaga and has a “weakness for guys with glasses” in my Biology class. I’m sure glad that I don’t have glasses.

Hey, there. I’m Chris, and I’m almost 14, which makes me twice as old as when we last talked. I still don’t like math, but I love girls! They’re so hot and they are really cute. And they’re hot.

Because I took advanced courses in middle school, I decided that maybe GVSU would be a good college to go to. I made the right choice. For every guy, there’s, like, 20 girls! As soon as my voice drops, I’m going to try and talk to Leslie from my Geology class. She’s really into Dashboard Confessional, and that’s awesome because that band totally understands everything I’m going through. I think I’m in love.

My name is Chris, and as an 18-year-old male going into his first year of college, the guy-to-girl ratio imbalance should be a massive selling point. Instead, it has become a nuisance ever since I decided that a long-distance relationship with my high-school sweetheart is the right way to go.

It has been weird, though, because I was expecting college to be this booze-filled sex romp. Rather, it has consisted of late nights on the phone telling my girl of all the reasons I love her, in reverse alphabetical order, starting with her obsession with zebras. She especially gets upset when I talk to Mallory from Archeology, who not only has seen the movie Garden State, but can quote all the lines with me. But I am not a cheater, so I guess I hate girls for now.

Now that I’m 22 years old, it has become clear to me that the abundance of girls at GVSU is a good thing, but isn’t really something to freak out about. For every one guy, there are over two girls (which looks sadistic when displayed in decimal form), but unless you find satisfaction in the whole polygamy deal, it’s really not that great of an upside.

In a world where the ratio is almost 50/50, we can’t be surprised if a few schools around the country show some imbalance in the genders. Maybe it’s the proximity to Grand Haven that’s attractive to females. Maybe it’s the phallic landmarks around campus. I don’t know.

What I do understand is that we have a larger pool of GFs for males and BFFs for the Jeanies and the Leslies and the Mallorys at GVSU. I think that’s something that even my 8-year-old self can get behind.

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