Oh yeah! None of this is my fault!

Last Friday, I was in the middle of a very bad week. First my Republican memorabilia John Baehner pumpkin came in the mail all smushed. Then my dangerously obese cat, Simba-the-Hutt, escaped his cage and ate the neighbor’s puppy. But all my self-pity was eradicated when I heard about what’s been going on in the life of entertainer Billy Ray Cyrus and his daughter Miley Cyrus.

Despite disadvantages stemming from a drastic case of chinlessness, Miley has managed to make a notable career for herself in both television and music. But when photos of Miley smoking salvia from a bong exposed what she really meant when she sang “Party in the U.S.A.”, Daddy Cyrus was obviously unhappy.

But who’s really to blame for Miley’s loss of innocence? During an interview with GQ Magazine, Billy Ray said he “definitely” thought his daughter’s antics were in part the result of an attack by none other than the infamous Satan.

That’s when I got to thinking – maybe Satan was also causing the problems in my life. Obviously the devil would want to smash my John Baehner pumpkin – they’ve been neck and neck in the competition for the “most hellishly orange skin tone award” for years now. What’s more, after the landslide republican victory during the last election, I’m sure Nancy Pelosi unleashed whatever hellish force she hides behind those cold, glassy eyes. And as for Simba-the-Hut? Everyone thought that cat was possessed by the devil in the first place. It just makes sense.

But then, to my horror, I read that Billy Ray’s theory about the devil’s conspirators. The atheists. He told GQ that every morning, on the way to the Hannah Montana set, he and Miley would pass an Adopt-a-Highway bllboard sponsored by Atheists United. He called it a “physical sign” that could’ve said his family would be attacked by Satan.

I agree the Hannah Daddy! The only highway Atheists United wants you to adopt is the highway to hell! Although, I’ll admit – until Billy Ray mentioned it, I had no idea that the forces of evil posted “impending doom” notifications through commercial advertisements. But now that I do know, I keep out a watchful eye for signs of potential omens – such as the Twilight poster I saw in the theater the other day. It’s an obviously sign that the devil will soon attempt to convert me to a lonely, malcontent soccer mom.

Good news people! Billy Ray Cyrus has shown me the light. Now I know that not even the bad grades, the weeklong cold or the destruction of my Farmville farm – were my fault. It was all the devil.

Unless this was all just a cheap way to avoid taking the blame. Man, that’d be a shame, wouldn’t it?

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