English grammar—one of the most important subjects in school and the subject that gets the most eye rolls. Just because you passed your English 101 course doesn’t mean you’re the next Ernest Hemingway. It means you know how to use a period and exclamation mark.

Maybe. Hopefully.

If we all have taken an English class (or everyone’s favorite Writing 150), then why do so many people act like they’ve never had a grammar class before? Using wrong words, not knowing what a contraction is, spelling a second grade word wrong when you’re in college? Let’s take advantage of those thousands of dollars that will send us into debt for years. Let’s sound like we’re getting a college degree and embrace the wonderful (and extremely tortuous) English language.

Is there a petition out there that can ban a word from the English language? No? Ok, let’s start one on the word “literally,” the no. 1 word when used incorrectly—which is about 95 percent of the time—makes you sound like you haven’t stepped foot inside a school.

“I am literally dying of laughter.” Really? Then why are you texting that to me? Why are you taking your last breaths of life commenting on your friend’s hilarious Facebook status? Why isn’t anyone calling 9-1-1? Get off the internet and call the freakin’ ambulance! Yes, it’s the 21st century so we have to document our every action on Facebook, Twitter and Foursquare. But please, if you’re literally dying of laughter, do yourself a huge favor and go to the emergency ward.

“Oh my god, my blood is literally boiling.” Are you for real? How did you magically bring your blood’s temperature to 212 degrees Fahrenheit and live to tell people? Man, and people complain about having a 104 degree temperature. They’ve got nothing on you. If you need to catch an ambulance, there’s a guy about to pass by who’s dying of laughter. Maybe you can carpool? You know, save some gas?

“Literally” is not an exaggeration and 95 percent of the time, it is used as an exaggeration. No, you’re not dying of laughter, your stomach is just cramping up, and no, you’re blood is not literally boiling. You’re just extremely angry. But what is possible is that you’ll be chased around campus the next time you use “literally” wrong.

Now, most grammar mistakes come from writing. The apostrophe is just as dreadful to written communication as “literally” is to oral communication. Welcome to the wonderful world of contractions!

Contractions 101. An apostrophe, most of the time, creates the contraction (“they’re,” “you’re,” “it’s”). See the little comma looking thing hanging up in the air? Well, that’s what English people like to call an apostrophe used in a contraction. So, after reading this, you should never mistake “they’re” (they are) for “their” (more than one person who possess something) or “there” (a place), and “you’re” (you are) should never be mistaken for “your” (a possessive).

All of them used in a sentence—their blood is boiling so we have to take them to the hospital. It’s about five miles away so you’re going to have to drive your car right there in the driveway because you can’t use “literally” correctly. That’s your punishment.

Well, since we’re talking about written grammar problems that send all English people into a frenzy, let’s talk about “definitely” and “defiantly.” The word with an “a” means you’re a rebel, and yes you are because you refuse to use “literally” correctly. Think of it this way, the word with an “a” means rebel, which makes you everyone’s favorite swear word that begins with an “a.” You are defiant because you skipped all your English 101 classes. “Definitely” means, “I will definitely remember my contractions.”

Just make sure you understand these things before you graduate and send out your resumes to future employers. They won’t take too kindly for your mistakes. Make your education mean something. Let’s sound like we’re paying thousands of dollars for a college education!

MORGAN MILLER

GVSU STUDENT