Sometimes, after a long week, I like to come home, mix myself some chocolate milk and vodka, and snuggle up on the couch for a healthy dose of moral outrage. That’s why this weekend found me reading pluggedinonline.com’s helpful six-step guide to becoming a celebrity.

In the article, writer Paul Asay filled the page with moral sacrifices that must be made in order to get famous – such as dropping the word “please” from your vocabulary, making embarrassing YouTube videos, and refusing to wear underwear. I’m not convinced those things will make you the next Lindsay Lohan – my Uncle Tim’s been doing them for years and people just stopped inviting him to family reunions. But I was so touched by Mr. Asay’s thoughtful article that I decided I’d follow in his footprints – so here are some tips to help you, like the folks at Plugged In Online, remain morally superior to the rest of the world.

One: develop superior standards

Want to be morally superior? The first step is to realize everything everyone else does is stupid – and be offended by it. For instance, raunchy R-rated comedies take your attention away from what really matters in the world. Sure, your friends thought “The Hangover” was funny – but you know what’s not funny? Dying babies. The same thing applies to most film genres, with the exception of anything featuring Kevin Bacon.

Two: Don’t be afraid to be offended

I know, in Luke 6:37, the bible says “Do not judge or you shall be judged …” But if Judge Judy never judged, she’d never have gotten a TV show. The world is full of traps that could steal your purity away from you like a high school quarterback stealing purity from the cheerleading squad. No matter what situation you’re in, remember to ask yourself “should I be offended by this?”. You’ll find most often the answer will be yes. The guy drinking a beer in the restaurant, the couple kissing in the parking lot, the guy with tattoos smoking cigarettes on the corner. If they had morals, they’d be home watching C-Span.

Three: Remind everyone else of how wrong they are.

It’s not enough to just be more enlightened than the rest of the world. You have to let them know how morally crippled they are. In my experience, the best way to get a guy to agree with your opinion is to shout it in his face as loudly and intrusively as possible. Here’s a fun experiment! Get a megaphone, go downtown, and shout to the whole world about your opinions. Just don’t yell at the biker guys about their tattoos. Trust me, it ends badly.

Four: Die righteous and alone

You’ve done it! You’ve got all these standards and nobody in your life really lives up to them. Now all those filthy people will leave you alone. When you’re on your deathbed and your grandchildren refuse to visit you because they think you’re creepy and your apartment smells like cat urine – you can smile to yourself and remember you’re better than they are.

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