Chances are that if you live in the Grand Rapids area, you have heard mention of something called ArtPrize.

Like you, I don’t have favorable opinions about art, let alone prizes, so the fusion of the two could only lead to one of the most detrimental things to happen to the city of Grand Rapids since the recession.

It’s not that I hate “art,” per se. Rather, I just don’t get it. If I am getting my hemispheres correct, I am a very left-brained person. Art is made for all of those fluffy artsy people who can see horses in the clouds instead of tiny droplets of water.

People argue that art is subjective, that we make what we want out of it, and if I can make anything out of art at all, it’s crap.

What is “art”? More importantly, what is “love”? (Baby, don’t hurt me…)

“Art” itself is such a big word, encompassing everything from murals to dance to sculptures to one-half of famous ’60s folk groups. With something so broad, it’s no wonder that I can’t find anything that I like when going to ArtPrize. I don’t “get” the vibrant colors or the grand scale of the crafted metal.

I mean, “Steam Pig”? What the hell is that?

Grand Rapids is already a pretty beautiful city already without cluttering it with the pipe dreams of inspiring artists. (And if anyone tries to make a sculpture of a dream made out of metal pipes, I want in on the cash profits.) The sides of buildings should be left bare and uninteresting and street corners should be void of any types of creativity.

That is the world I wish to live in one day…

Of course, I will be going to ArtPrize. Just because I don’t understand anything that is happening, doesn’t mean I won’t be attending. Instead, you will see me standing in the middle of the city, silently mocking every pretentious art fanatic that passes by. I will be having my own fun, instead of trying to figure out the point to a giant statue of a fish made out of millions of pieces of silverware, or a painting made entirely from ketchup and mustard.

So if you want to join me in scoffing such a worthless event that brings thousands of people and millions of dollars to the city of Grand Rapids each year, meet me by something ridiculous (which, honestly, doesn’t narrow it down much). Whatever you do, don’t go “just to go” or to look at all the cool stuff.

It ends Oct. 9, so that’s how long you need to avoid the Grand Rapids area if you wish to pass up on a city-sized competition. So many people have painstakingly put together their pieces of art to be viewed and judged this year, so why not do them a favor and let them know how much time they wasted.

They might as well have just looked for shapes in the [email protected]