If you just picked up a copy of this paper on campus … what are you doing, you fool?! Run! Hide! Grab all the crucifixes you can and find the nearest church basement/bomb shelter.

I remember where I was when I heard the news. It was a Sunday morning, and I wasn’t in church (which made me particular vulnerable). I was browsing the Internet when I came across Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum’s warning that Satan is waging a war on America. According to Santorum: “If you were Satan, who would you attack in this day and age? There is no one else to go after other than the United States and that has been the case now for almost 200 years, once America’s preeminence was sown by our great Founding Fathers.”

As I write this, I’m hiding in the basement of a Mormon church (because come on, even Satan pretends he’s not home when these guys knock on the door) with a box full of Bibles and a few copies of “Your Best Life Now” by Joel Osteen. I’ve got myself some holy water. I even kidnapped my local Catholic priest in case I need an exorcism.

I’d suggest you do the same. Because Santorum is right. Satan is waging a war on America. Who else would he attack? There are absolutely no signs of the presence of evil anywhere else in the world. Genocide? No. Famine? No. Those are not signs of the devil’s work. In America, we have gays. And rock bands. And celebrities who do drugs and have sex. That’s what the devil’s handiwork really looks like.

Oh, there’s more bad news. Since you’re reading this on a college campus, you’ve probably already been infected. According to Santorum, academia was the first line of America’s defense to fall. He explains that our corrupt and arrogant educational system poisons our future leaders.

I know some of you have had this inkling before, but this may just confirm it. Your professor is the devil. Some of you are terrified right now. You’ve gotten good grades, and that must mean Satan approves of you. But there’s a way to redeem yourself. Fail your classes. Show God that you reject all notion of an education. If your professor tells you to turn to page 152 and read about cellular chemistry, you stand up and you shout “The only book I need is the Good Book!” and then you walk out of the room.

Because Satan is coming, folks. And he really wants to turn everyone gay.

kvanantwerpen@ lathorn.com