Hello Grand Valley. It means so much to write this for all of you today.

I want to take a moment to thank everyone who takes part in this organization we call the Lanthorn. And to all of the current and former columnists reading this today, tomorrow and years to come, I thank you for your service in a time where local printed news has never mattered more. And thank you to my mom, who will read this when I decide to tell her I still write for a school paper.

To anyone who picked up a paper today, welcome to my humor column. It is a source of deep pleasure to be able to have the opportunity to share this piece of entertainment with you, all of you, within the following article, because the story within this campus is such a big part of why I’m writing this.

I grew up on this campus, for the past two and a half years, in the same dormitory that I live in today, Niemeyer East Living Center. I joined this community because I knew that it would look good on a resume. Yes, a piece of paper, much like the one you’re reading right now. I joined the Lanthorn in 2018 without knowing that this page, be it online or handheld, would never be the same, if I, we, neglected to hold the courage to reimagine my past humor columns.

Now I can confidently say that, well, we’ve done it, Grand Valley. Now there’s a long way for us to go, but we have changed our trajectory, and shown a path forward for articles like this. Let me just say this: there will be no lack of columns in this newspaper, this I swear. And that’s why I’m here today, to tell a different story than “Top 10 Reasons Why Sports Are Relevant.”

Because there’s a myth being sold to communities affected by the media. It is time to walk away from my columns of the past and towards something totally different. So, that’s why I’m here today.

My name is Athena Jasman, and I am about to write a humor column for Grand Valley State University’s own student-run newspaper, the Lanthorn.

As the editors will know, the topic of writing an article is something that I’ve been considering carefully for a long time now. Now, I am an enthusiastic supporter of the Lanthorn, and any speculation about a procrastinated, rushed column based on the way that politicians speak in order to write a whole article without saying anything of substance is just that: speculation.

I’m more than happy to clear up this misunderstanding for members of the campus. We were expecting far more scribing within my position as columnist, and I still maintain my commitment to finishing this article at this point in time.

Now, up until recently, this was not exactly what I had in mind for how I was going to spend my 3rd year at GVSU and my 3rd day without sleep. But we live in a society that compels us each to act. The forces changing our campus today are stronger than the effect of a lake, or Laker.

That’s why, this time, it’s not just about me writing a humor column, It’s about me finishing a humor column by the deadline. This is not just about the next few paragraphs, but it’s about meeting a desired word count, around 500, and going over it by 200 once I hit my stride. A moment like this calls for a desperate, quick-witted typist, which will produce a new humor column for this paper. It will take courage, from all of us, to move forward with this article.

If I could go back in time and tell myself prior to writing this humor column that I would truly complete it by my assigned deadline, my 15 minutes ago self would be in awe.

If I could only tell her that she was going to pull out the most hilarious article she has ever written. That she would not only write the article by 9 a.m. on Sunday morning, but that she would have time to spare to check for spelling errors. To tell her that she will be paid for this article. To tell her that she will be able to sleep once she just barely reaches the word count expected of her. So with words on the page, and laughs in your mouth, let’s finish this column!