Hello new student. My name is Kevin, and I’ll be providing you weekly insights into the world around you for the next semester. Why, you might ask? Because I care! And also, they’re paying me.

To quote Chef from South Park, “There’s a time and a place for everything, and it’s called college.” But to quote my wonderful and loving mother, “Don’t be a moron.”

Making friends: Unless the only thing you’re capable of talking about is LARPing, you won’t have a problem making friends at GVSU. GVSU is a campus full of cultural diversity, and you’ll probably learn a lot how different people are from you.

Drinking: Unless you spent high school playing World of Warcraft, you’ve probably had a run in or two with alcohol-related loss of pants. Now, I’m not going to tell you underagers God will strike down your new puppy if you drink. But if you wind up with an M.I.P., it’s not because you’re a victim of an overbearing, fascist system; it’s because you weren’t smart.

And don’t ask us older kids to buy for you. The last thing we want is to lose our shot at finally graduating because you decided to regurgitate 14 shots of Peppermint Schnapps onto a Department of Public Safety car.

Entertainment: By now, you’re probably getting sick and tired of playing games of fill-a-basket-with-condoms-then-see-who-can-put-them-back-the-fastest in the Standale Meijer. Fortunately for you, the Route 50 bus will take you right into the belly of Grand Rapids, where there are plenty of options for you. If you’re the kind of person to collect vintage vinyl records and stick your nose up at pop music, you’ll be right at home at Mad Cap Coffee on Monroe Center. Or, if you want to hear some great local music, The Pyramid Scheme on Commerce Street combines the warmth of an all-ages venue with all the excitement of being hit on by drunks at a bar.

Drugs: Sure, some people (such as The Beatles) have done their best work while partaking in the wacky tabacky. But you’re not The Beatles.

Harder drugs: No.

Food: You’ll find the world’s best mushroom burritos downstairs in Kirkhof.

Also: you’re here for a degree, not to get an STD.

[email protected]