Last Wednesday, the Republican Party’s most inappropriately named presidential candidate Rick Santorum (Google his last name, I dare you) appeared on CNN and revealed this glorious nugget of social wisdom to the world:

“I think that [homosexuality] is contrary to both what we’ve seen in 2,000 years of human history and Western civilization, and trying to redefine something that has been — that is — seen as wrong … I think is in itself an act of bigotry.”

And you know what, folks? Maybe Mr. Santorum is onto something. To support his argument, I’ve written this guide to social practices which should not have been removed over the past few centuries.

Women as Property: The phrase “Woman, why isn’t there a broom in your hand?” has mysteriously vanished from the vocabulary of so many men of God. The liberal media will tell you it’s because women are “independent” and “capable of doing equal and greater things than men.” But there are only two things God intended women to excel at – sandwich making and laundry folding.

Killing the Messenger: Reader, let me make this very clear. There is nothing in this world I hate more than those damn messengers. Last time I checked Blackboard to find a D grade, I immediately picked up a rock (see stoning section below) and smashed my Macbook Pro with it until my hands bled. And you know what? My Macbook never gave me bad news again. I think the ancient Greeks were onto something with this. Now I just need to find that postman who delivered my overdrawn bank account notice.

Slavery: It was acceptable for centuries, and Rick Santorum is right – why should something that has been accepted so long be changed? My little brother lost a game of thumb war to me when he was 6, and that contract is legally binding. I want him cleaning my apartment daily.

Stoning: If you’re a God-fearing man or woman with a decently functioning moral compass, sometimes you just want to pick up a rock and smash it into some sinner’s face over and over again. Not only does it let out a little bit of self-righteous steam on the weekends, but it is also an element of good parenting. During “Bible times,” stoning was an acceptable punishment for incest, idolatry, and children who left the lights on in the basement.

Now do you see what the world would be like if we stopped changing things that have been accepted for centuries? If you agree with me, vote for Rick Santorum.

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