Oh. My. God.

For those of you who didn’t hear the big news over the weekend – many media outlets, including FOX News and CBS, reported that Hawaii Gov. Neil Abercrombie’s quest to prove Obama’s citizenship was squashed by a law that prevents the release of birth documents without an individual’s consent.

This has got to be concrete proof that Obama is some sort of foreigner. Probably Kenyan. Or worse … what if he’s Dutch? We may never know. But whatever kind of foreigner he is, we can be relatively certain it’s the worst kind – the un-American kind.

How is this proof, you might ask? The answer is infallible logic. If you have nothing to hide, why do you need privacy? That’s why I never close the blinds in the bathroom when I shower – now, if you’re curious if I wash behind my ears, just drive past my house.

Another reason to believe the “Birther Movement” is because its followers, like most conspiracy theorists, are some of the most rational people on the planet. Just look at some of these comments on FOX News’s story.

Aug896 writes: “What should stupid deceived people that beleive Obama was born here not be allowed to do? Vote.”

I agree. If there’s any one thing I believe in, it’s that people who disagree with me don’t have valid opinions. If their opinions had any merit, they’d agree with me.

Patriotink writes: “Hussein is a complete and utter fraud until he demonstrates otherwise.”

I agree with this as well! I’ve never actually read a copy of the Miranda Rights, but I’m pretty sure I’ve heard cops on TV say “guilty until proven innocent” like a million times. I’d look it up, but I gotta go get a thing outta the oven.

Lastly, Frito61_at_google writes: “Why bother? We all know he’s not an American … We either shoot_him or wait till 2012 to get rid of him.”

… oh … wait. How did that one get in there? That comment makes this whole thing seem a little ungrounded, crazy, and slightly terrifying. Oh my. Never mind. Forget you even read that.

Before I go, let me leave you with one more infallible piece of logic – since Obama’s birth in 1961, many people across the world have died, had a broken heart, or realized they were out of milk right after they poured a bowl of cereal. Could this be a coincidence? Probably. But do you really want to take that chance?

Not unless you want Dutch-Kenyan Nazi-Zombie-Socialists banging on your door.

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