Rhythm, or anything that closely resembles it, has eluded me my entire life. I can’t clap on beat or shake my butt, and even a non-committal head bob to the music leaves people wondering whether I am seizing or just experiencing a twitch. While I may be exaggerating about my lack of ability (barely), I simply can’t dance.

Yet out of all the polkas, tangos, and twists (I do have a place in my heart for the sprinkler) there is no dance that irks me more than the bump and grind. Grinding (freaking? whatever you call the infamous butt-to-crotch club dance) blows my mind. I can’t do it and I can’t decide if it grosses me out or not. Seeing as it’s the beginning of the year, and subsequently a heavy bar/club time I turned to the Internet for much needed answers.

It was as if girls all over the world felt my pain, within seconds I was connected to a wikiHow article- How to grind (for girls). Here we go.

Step 1, you ask? Move towards a big group of people. Thank god for this step- because I was definitely going to try grinding by myself first.

Step 2- Find your girlfriends. According to wiki, I don’t have to dance sexually (yet) because a guy will notice how much fun I am having with my friends and will approach accordingly (apparently wikiHow has never seen the seizure dance). The guy who wishes to grind with me won’t say anything- but will give me subtle signals. (A subtle male…oh, there goes a flying pig.)

Step 3- Act normally. Welp, that ship has sailed. Moving on.

Step 4- Grind dance like you mean it.

Here things get tricky, they give me a few random tips like: put my hands in his pocket, move my hips in sync with his, move my butt from side to side, up and down, bend my knees, put my arms over his head- this is exhausting. I am starting to think I will need extra appendages to get this grinding thing accomplished.

Step 5- Be ready for the song to end. Wiki tells me the guy will probably just walk away when this happens (now that sounds familiar). I should pretend like I don’t care and find my big group again- with any luck he will come back and grind harder with me than he did before (PLEASE, NO).

Despite my best efforts, I don’t think I am cut out for the bump and grind. Maybe these steps have enlightened you to a new way of dancing; and maybe, like me, you just don’t get why two people feel the need to do a vertical version of the horizontal tango in public.

But I am not ready to give up on grooving all together. If you see me at the bar this weekend, I may be in the corner doing my own thing. Don’t call the paramedics- I’m just dancing.

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