Opinions are like armpits in that you should keep yours away from me because they’re nasty and I don’t want to know why your skin is that color only on one part of your body. Also like armpits, my opinions are the only ones that don’t smell like moldy onions.

If you’re like me and you grew up in West Michigan, you’re very well acquainted with a form of opinion known as “dogma,” the belief that your perception of truth is the only correct perception and cannot possibly wrong. Even if you didn’t grow up here, I’ll just assume you’re not a lonely hermit and you’ve left campus for more than 15 minutes. If you have, then you too have probably experienced dogma.

Now, I know you think that I’m about to go off on a long-winded rant about how dogma is bad and how you should have an “open mind” and always consider the possibility that you’re wrong. But it’s stupid that you thought that. I’m here to tell you why dogma is fantastic and how it can help make your life a happier, more special place.

First off, dogma is a time saver. Imagine that you’re at dinner with a group of friends and someone says something about politics that you disagree with. Most people would waste precious time carefully weighing both sides of the debate. But the beauty of dogma is that you already know you’re right. You can bypass any sort of critical thought and/or discussion (what’s the point, we already know who wins) and simply wag your finger and say, “you sir, are a moron.”

Dogma will also help you wrap yourself in a shiny coat of self-confidence. Once you realize that you can’t possibly be wrong, you can puff out your chest and walk with a strut. Sure, the old you may have been weak and insecure – asking questions like “is my approach the right choice or is there a better way?” But with the aid of dogma, even if your decisions lead you horribly astray, you’ll always know you were right.

Dogma also helps you choose the right friends. You’ll immediately know whether someone is a beautiful person or a complete moron as soon as you find out if they agree with you. If you’re on the same page, you say, “Hey, let’s grab a beer sometime.” But should someone disagree, it’s time to put away the indoor voice and let him know what’s up.

As you can see, dogma will change your life for the better. If you’d like to know more about how to use dogma, simply write me an email and we’ll hang out. Really. I’ve got more than enough free time. No one’s returned my calls recently. But that’s their fault, not mine, because I have dogma.

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