Last year, I wrote a column about how awesome it would be if you made good on your ambitious claim that you would like to attend Grand Valley State University to receive your higher education. You being the famous and perpetually-shirtless star of the Twilight saga, your celebrity could have made a difference in some Freshman’s life by rooming with him.

The column was humorous and heartfelt, and the fact that I won no major awards for the piece continues to baffle me.

But that is beside the point, Mr. Lautner, as I am beside myself with anger. Please note that this is not enough anger that would necessitate any legal actions on your part, yet I am still very upset. Since your announcement that you would like to attend college after wrapping on the Twilight movies — and more specifically, this institution — there has been no further word on what you wish to do with your education.

That, sir, is what we call a _____tease. Because this is a classy periodical, I can only reference the second part of the word. Just know that the first part isn’t good.

I was a Team Jacob man, sir, and it breaks my heart for you to “tease” us like this.

And now the media is bombarding us with advertisements of your new film, “Abduction,” with Sigourney Weaver and that guy from that movie. That wasn’t the deal, Mr. Lautner. It almost makes me wish we had sealed some kind of deal with a pinky promise. I was na?Øve to think that you could put your career on hold for a few years to get a degree. That’s what I did with my job as a model.

Do you know how disheartening it is to expect something on this massive scale and then suffer an insufferable letdown? It’s like asking Santa that you want a Lego Millennium Falcon for Christmas and then getting a Jar-Jar Binks plush toy. You probably don’t know that disappointment since you’re this big movie star now about could probably buy Christmas if you wanted to.

As a committed student who wishes to showcase GVSU in the most proactive ways possible, you would have been our ace in the hole in increasing our enrollment (which we totally need right now, am I right?). Who do we get now, if we still want a celebrity here? Dakota Fanning?

Let me tell you something: there is no way that I want anything to do with you after this passive slap in the face. If, for some impulsive reason, you feel the need to further your education, I insist that you find another institution, sir. Whatever relationship that you conjured up in your mind that we had has been severely severed, so you mull that over in between reading scripts for a twelfth Twilight movie (part 6).

And if this column does not win me some kind of editorial award, you better watch your back (but in a non-threatening way).

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