Toilet humor is always up for debate — is it funny or is it trash?

I’m not here to answer that question. Instead, I want to put up for debate one of the most college-centric and heavily-argued topics of all time. It does not matter gender or economic situation, because everyone has had this conversation at least once in his or her life. It may seem inconsequential, but there are actual repercussions to it.

I may lose friends over saying this:

Over.

That’s right, I am talking about restroom tissue and no, I do not wish to redact my statement. This can cause serious rifts in relationships, but there is no reason for it to.

“Over” is better and that’s all there is to it.

The “over” position describes T.P. in such a way that the loose end hangs away from the wall, closer to the potential user. The tissue is easier to grab and tear and just has a more dominant appearance. You want your paper to intimidate people, not submit to them.

So many other items come packaged in the “over” position anyways: Scotch tape, and… aluminum foil once they wise-up! When you reach for something, you don’t reach for the bottom—that just doesn’t make sense. No, you grab what’s on the top because that’s how this world works.

“Under” has no real benefit, besides badly bruised knuckles from inadvertently pummeling the wall with your fist while unwinding the roll. The notion that this arrangement appears ‘tidier’ is bogus, considering the subject matter; you can shine a bunch of trash all you’d like, but it’s still a performance by the Black Eyed Peas.

What this really turns into is a statement about our culture. We have divided ourselves into the red states and blue states of the restroom. As a nation (and as a world), we have trivialized the platform of argument to an item with a use that causes people to blush. It may be okay to focus on such a petty dispute to distract us from the real issues abroad — Japan, Libya, Rebecca Black — from time to time, but when we get down to it, what does it matter? Is this really what we want to call attention to?

The answer is yes, because there is more at stake than simply bathroom tissue. Instead, it is about a person’s right to stand for what they believe in while they’re sitting. It also gives us one of the easiest ways to put ourselves into the shoes of our enemies, so to speak. I want everyone reading this to look past the B.S. of T.P. and hang your next roll of tissue in the opposing direction, so those of you who prefer the superior “over” method will confine your paper against the wall, and those who have scoffed at all of my condescending remarks can finally liberate your ultra-soft and lead an improved life.

It may be as awkward as writing with your left hand at first, but you can at least say you’ve given it a shot.

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