Female contraceptives should be covered, for men’s sake

Chris Slattery

Should The Pill be on the bill?

Absolutely. While I understand dissenting viewpoints, I still think it’s silly that this is up for debate. Similar to the Equal Rights Movement back in the ’60s, this issue shouldn’t be black and white any more.

The question is whether female contraceptives should be covered under the new health care bill. The long-faced nay-sayers claim birth control is more of a lifestyle choice as opposed to a health concern.

Maybe, but infants are not. No sane woman would call her pregnancy a “lifestyle choice,” and anyone who does (outside of Octomom) should probably look into finding her “li’l bundle of social commentary” a new mommy.

“Well,” many of you may be saying, “instead of birth control, people could just try abstinence.”

And to that, all I can do is close my eyes and laugh obnoxiously.

Sure, for a lot of women, birth control is a lifestyle choice, but it is more than that for others. I know some girls (let me finish the sentence before you start laughing, jerk) who only got on The Pill in the first place because the monthly thing-that-must-not-be-named was too unbearable without some form of medication.

Are these girls wusses? I can’t say for sure because as far as you know, I’ve never been a girl myself. But I do know that if that Inner Voldemort Time (IVT) was bad for them, the second-hand wrath I would experience would be 10 times worse. Second-hand smoke may kill, but these waters are murky, too.

So, if anything, birth control should be free for my health, because death is not a lifestyle choice either, unless you and your friends wear matching sneakers and drink the magic Kool-Aid.

Will this availability in easy contraception raise female promiscuity? Probably, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take because this is about the women! They don’t have the same opportunities that men do, such as stealing condoms from their older brother’s left-middle desk drawer.

You never hear about girls stealing birth control pills from their older sister (largely due to the fact that the sister makes sure the body is never found) because, according to the sister, “You touch my pills, I kill you.”

In fact, it’s interesting that male contraceptives aren’t mentioned in this bill debate. Surely we can recognize the ridiculousness of free condoms available through health care. Many a man’s days of prowling high school health and wellness classes to score free Trojans would be over!

As you can see, this proposed amendment really isn’t hurting anyone. Call me a feminist if you want (or, based on my fandom of Marshall Mathers, an Emineminist), but I am all about helping women out. It shouldn’t take any title or label for me to want to do this.

… But a date or two wouldn’t hurt.

I’m not paying, though. I’m working on giving you free birth-control, so quit whining. Not paying is a lifestyle choice.

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