Everyone might as well give up on eating altogether. With the recent crackdown on Michigan’s Bridge Card, I can think of plenty of my fellow students who now have to settle for purchasing the store-brand version of macaroni instead of the Kraft Scooby Doo shapes.

I know. Store-brand? Can you believe the new low that this state has gone to?

The Michigan Bridge Card was a really good idea on paper (or plastic): give aid to those who simply cannot afford groceries on their current income. With terrible unemployment and poverty, it is hard to imagine what kind of soulless person would say, “Eh, homeless people have no money because they don’t want any.”

Unfortunately, college students almost immediately began to take advantage of the system and receive free money when they didn’t really need it. Of course, this doesn’t apply to all students, as many did require these funds as a means to acquire food. Even with some employment, various necessary expenses don’t even allow for many students to buy Ramen and Pop-Tarts, the cornerstone of any nutritious diet.

So, obviously for some, the Bridge Card was necessary not to die from sodium overdoses, but for others, it opened a door to culinary freedom. With an extra $300, many people found it absolutely essential to buy king crab legs and filet mignon. The vegetarians even got in on it, buying vegetables labeled “organic,” which is Latin for “expensive.” People even bought plain pizza crust because they had the money to purchase other items and condiments to put on the pizza.

This is where the situation got out of hand: college students were so wealthy that they began making their own pizzas.

The problem lies in the fact that in our state, hit hardest by the current recession, money was given to people who didn’t necessarily need it.

We all know that kid whose parents are well-off because they somehow predicted that an investment in Slap-Chop would be a great idea and now pay the entirety of their child’s tuition. This student has never had a job and thinks that a weekly allowance of $40 is low. Yet miraculously, this student has convinced the government to give him or her a few extra Benjamins to pay for a year’s supply of caviar.

Seriously, who eats caviar? More importantly, why do you need a year’s supply of it, you greedy culinary train wreck?

Hopefully, with the new system in place, the people who actually need Bridge Cards will still qualify and those who don’t can go back to middle-shelf pastas and on-sale Cookie Crisp like the rest of us.

I don’t know if I would qualify under the new criteria, but I do know one thing that I am certainly eligible for: someone to make me a homemade pizza.

Thank you.

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