In case you haven’t noticed, the temperature is dropping and the days are getting shorter in Grand Rapids (city motto: “Hope you don’t mind wind”).

Because of this, we students must switch on our lights and crank up our thermostats in order to (A) see and (B) watch Iron Chef comfortably.

This can be a huge burden on any college student, an already sad and pathetic sack of financial instabilities, who hates paying bills to a corporation whose “energy” apparently fuels from “consumer” complaints. (I’m being subtle. Get it?)

So how do we persevere? Is there any way to lower our energy consumption? There has to be a practical way to save money while continuing to destroy the environment, right?

Right, because I am here with some options that will make you simultaneously wonder, “Why didn’t I think of that?” and “Why would anyone think of that?” You can remain frugal and keep nature fragile with these alternatives:

• In case you hadn’t noticed, trees are everywhere. It’s like, “Alright, trees, we get it! You’re old and stuff!” With your Grand Valley State University-issued chainsaw everyone received at freshman orientation, cut down a couple dozen trees and burn them in the living room of your apartment or dorm room. It keeps your dwelling not only warm, but well-lit.

Keep the spirit of deforestation burning! You may not have started the fire, but it is always burning to stop the world from turning.

Fire and smoke damage may be taken out of your security deposit, so watch out for complexes that are looking to screw students for an extra buck. Those places sicken me.

• Aerosol cans used to be huge, but similar to mullets and 8-tracks, the fad faded out. And while a business-in-the-front/party-in-the-back hairstyle refuses to make a comeback, you can party anywhere you want with a home-made aerosol heater. Ignore any and all of the warnings on the side of old cans of insecticide and construct a device that uses CFCs for their intended purpose: being flammable and widening the hole in the ozone layer.

• Remembering to turn lights off is hard, and it can be really frustrating upon receiving that electric bill. Since finding motion-control lights can be suuuuuuch a draaaaaaag, why not train an animal to turn of your lights for you? I suggest using an endangered animal to really stick it to nature in a way that says, “A gorilla is endangered? So is my Netflix subscription if I pay too much for leaving my TV plugged in all day.”

It might be difficult to train an animal to flip a light switch (that’s why we were chosen to have opposable thumbs!), but there is nothing more rewarding than watching a possibly-starving screwhorn antelope fulfill its designated duty for the first time.

Some places have strict policies against pets, but that’s really easy to get out of: “What, that Javan rhino? It was there when I got here!”

Rising heating costs are a problem, but we can show this freezing climate who is boss if we all work together and use our campus-supplied chainsaws.

[email protected]