Sleep is very important to a college student. It increases immune function and improves alertness and blah blah blah…

This season of Gossip Girl isn’t going to watch itself.

Let’s be honest, we all know that sleep is good for the body. I mean, I know I should be eating two to four apples a day, but I’m not exactly looking to keep two to four doctors away.

So, what are some factors that cause this apathy towards slumber? The first is obvious: there’s so much other fun stuff to do. As college students, the world is our oyster, with fun around every corner. When you sleep, the closest you can get to fun is dreaming about being chased by a giant oyster.

Work also contributes to lack of sleep. Whether it encompasses homework or jobwork, many students have lost some serious Z’s because of work’s frustrating persistence to come up at the worst possible moment.

Many of my friends have the misfortune of having to drive, not only to school, but to their places of occupation, which takes even more time away from snoozing. I, on the other hand, have a job that allows me to work from home in my pajamas, or in my birthday suit if I’m feeling particularly frisky.

With all of these obstacles preventing a full, productive night’s sleep, how is one expected by the Sleep Foundation (motto: “If you ain’t snoring, you’re boring) to fulfill the contractually-obligated seven to nine hours?

One possibility could be to catch small catnaps throughout the day. No one wants to waste time, so why not snooze during those dull moments of the day. Who knows, maybe you can rack up a whole hour of sleep if you hit every red light on your daily commute to your jobwork.

Another way to get a good night’s sleep is by purchasing a Serta mattress, who is in no way sponsoring this column (but if they were, they should know my billing address has changed).

I think the only thing we can really take comfort in is knowing we are all much better off than babies, who require between 13 and 18 hours of sleep. A day. That’s roughly three-quarters of a day. Personally, I don’t think I’d want to do anything for 75 percent of a day, let alone be unconscious for it.

However, this raises the question as to why parents complain about kids being such a hassle. It doesn’t make sense; why would anyone complain about something that’s essentially a rock that poops?

Personally, I know I don’t get enough sleep. In fact, people have mistaken me for a drug addict based solely on my haggard appearance. For the last time, professor, I don’t know where you can get an 8-ball (and even if I did, you should know my billing address has changed).

Maybe we’re just not supposed to sleep. Maybe it has been decided by some higher power that we have to spend countless nights pounding energy drinks to finish work that should have been done last week.

Unfortunately for me, I can’t stand energy drinks. They taste too much like oysters, and I have a subconscious hatred for oysters. Still can’t figure out why, though …

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