Today, I want to talk about “slimming,” or soaking a tampon in vodka.

I’m so sorry, but I couldn’t think of any other way to kick this column off. I just needed to dive right into it… Okay, this is going to be difficult.

Very rarely am I speechless, but since hearing about this trend of alcoholic tampons, I haven’t been able to speak for days (which led to a very awkward Thanksgiving dinner).

Let me say this again, in case you didn’t soak it up the first time: People are saturating tampons in alcohol to get drunk.

It’s time to get the obvious jokes out of the way:

Now we know what that aquamarine liquid is in the Kotex commercials: UV Blue.

Playtex 10: it’s not for men!

PMS = Period? More Smirnoff!

Tampax Pearls before wine.

[Something about pulling strings, because no one has ever made that joke before.]

Moving past the obvious questions of “Why?” and “What?!” and “Why?” I wanted to say something as clearly as possible. Even though I refuse to use a “this is satire” disclaimer for my occasional sarcastic columns, I am serious about the following statement.

DON’T EVER DO THAT!

Regardless of how popular this phenomenon is, no one should ever consider this a good idea. It increases your risk of alcohol poisoning exponentially; you’ll make quick friends with the phrase “urinary tract infection,” and — worst of all — you have to live with the fact that you got drunk from A VODKA–SOAKED TAMPON.

The whole scandal regarding this fad (I almost typed “pad” — how embarrassing) is that no one can actually confirm how wide-spread it is. There have been many eye-witness reports, but remarkably few (none) videos online to actually prove people actually do this stupid thing. You know what they say: it’s not official until hundreds of people attempt it on YouTube. That’s how the Patron challenge started.

And even if the craze isn’t as popular as the media thinks it is, the story must have come from somewhere. Ignoring all of the health risks (or common sense) for a minute, let’s examine how awkward that party would have been when some new-age thinkers decided that getting drunk orally was just too square:

1. Instead of a cooler full of jungle juice, there was a salad bowl full of Tampax swimming in Burnetts.

2. Taking a shot was a very private event in the bathroom.

3. Someone refused to take part, and his friend called him another word for a cat. The irony was lost on everyone.

So what can we learn from this new in-thing? It’s disgusting and crude and totally expected from the youth of today. Honestly, I’m surprised that it took teenagers this long to develop a discreet strategy for getting loaded. We bloody well knew it would come to this, and with such a dangerous practice at the fingertips of society, it’s not enough to simply go with the flow. It needs to stop. Period.

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