Dear Freshmen,

What’s up, homies? Like an irresponsible hotel patron, it’s been a while since I’ve checked in, and I wanted to see how you were holding up after your first full semester at Grand Valley State University.

How did finals go? Did you find that special spot in the library to call your very own? I bet you pulled a few all-nighters to get your grades up. They say that for every three hours you don’t sleep during an all-nighter, you are ten times more likely to use CAPS lock in your Facebook status, announcing to everyone that you are pulling an all-nighter.

Since then, how did you holiday break go? (I am societally obligated to phrase my question that way, so as not to offend anyone.)

I hope that you are ready to start the whole process over again (approximately seven more times, give or take a psychotic breakdown). Even though we all received a nice vacation from learning (‘tis the season, after all), it’s time to throw ourselves back into the ring, ready to take a few more hits from the MMA champion known as Academia. For those not familiar with combat sports, MMA stands for “My Mind Atrophies.”

Yes, it can feel like you just departed from this nightmare of papers and labs. You may question your judgments about college and ask yourself, “I mean, who ready needs a diploma?” Swimming upstream was never your strong suit in the first place.

Uh, yeah. Join the club.

Listen, youngsters, you have to muster up whatever motivation you have, even it’s your own personal satisfaction. Don’t try to please Dean, whoever that guy is — personally, I do not see how it’s worth it to get on his list. I’ve never met the guy, but he sounds like he unreasonably high standards.

So, Freshmen, I hope everything’s going well. You are the future (in a manner of speaking, because the “future” is actually an abstract, intangible thing that people cannot be). You have a long road ahead of you (and I’m proud to be the first person ever to use “road” as a metaphor for “life”), and you will experience a lot as you go along. It’s important to remember, though, that you should take the time to stop and smell the roses (however, not along this particular road because this is a rather dusty road and smelling anything in the area could be dangerous to your health).

I’m going to be busy myself, trying to do the whole graduation thing, so I won’t be able to focus on helping you along much this semester. But don’t panic — I’ll be back at the end to send you off into sophomore-hood. For now, sit back, relax and enjoy the snow, if we ever get a decent amount this year. Then, once syllabus week is over, at least you have Spring Break to look forward to, right?

Yeah, I had delusions like that once, too.

Love, Chris

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