Dear freshmen,

How did everything go? Did you have a good first year of college? I sure hope so. I hope you feel like you got something out of having me as your parental figure. But for now, I have to go out for a pack of smokes.

Don’t worry, I’ll be right back. I’m just going around the corner. You be good for the Lanthorn’s editor in chief, Sam Butcher, while I’m gone.

When I took you under my wing, like a helpful seagull, at the beginning of the year, I had no idea how much I would watch you grow (that Freshman 15 thing isn’t a myth). You learned when to effectively skip class, how to give up double-spacing after periods and that Taylor Lautner was a liar when he said he was coming to GVSU after filming
the Twilight movies — the important things in life. I want you to think about all of those things while I load these suitcases into the back of my pickup.

Hey, hey. Don’t cry. I promise to come right back. Have I ever lied to you? Like the time when I sided with Dr Pepper Ten, spoke out against vegetarians or reported that the construction of the new library would cease, I’ve always been 100 percent transparent and serious with what I say. Speaking of the library, did you sign the beam last Thursday? It’s really coming together over there.

Daddy needs his cigs, because sometimes you can be so… ugh… never mind. I know that I’ve called you things like “lazy” or “annoying” or “a huge mistake,” but it’s only because I love you so much and want you to see your true potential. Being the best you that you can be is the greatest gift of all, other than my copy of the house key that I’m leaving on the kitchen table. Just for safe keeping, don’t worry.

I haven’t felt suffocated at all and do not think about the greener pastures beyond the confines of Grand Rapids with such frequency that these past few weeks have been hardly more than a countdown to a freedom I have never before felt. It’s been made abundantly clear that I belong here. Forever.

So step away from the car door and don’t look at me like that. I’ll always be with you in some way or another.

No, I’m sorry, you can’t come with me. This is a grown-up field trip. Besides, I know you have a lot of studying to do for next week’s exams. You need to stay in school for a few more years and get good grades so you don’t end up in a self-realized trap of your own failures and insecurities. Not that I would know, champ…

Don’t think of this as a goodbye because we’ll see each other again soon. In the meantime, here’s 10 bucks to get a video game or something. Be good now. I’ll be back faster than you can say, “Wait a minute, I didn’t think that Chris smoked…”

Love,
Chris Slattery

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