Telling someone that you like him or her is really difficult to do without sounding like you are still in junior high. The only alternative is to sound especially creepy, so it’s up to you how you wish to proceed:

“I, um, like-you like-you…” or “Your face is really pretty…”

Unless you are the suavest of the suave, perhaps one of the most embarrassing and awkward parts of dating is the courtship process.

Sure, there are countless books and some TV shows on the subject (as it turns out, “The Pick-Up Artist” isn’t about painting Ford F-150s), but where is the reality to it all? There are no sure-fire tricks to get someone to go out with you because we’re all different people — our needs are different.

You can say all the right things, do all the right things, and there’s still the possibility of someone saying, “I have a boyfriend,” or, “I’m not looking for a relationship right now.”

Life would be easier if it was the olden days, when the man would catch a glimpse of a woman from across the ballroom, approach her, and marry her on the spot. Things were so simple back then.

I mean, how does one even start a conversation like that with a total stranger? There is no middle ground between, “Wassup?” and, “You’re the most beautiful person I have ever seen. I wish there were more hours in the day so as to spend as much time with you as God will allow. Please, do me the sincerest privilege of letting me grind up on you at our local nightclub.”

You can’t win.

I’m not even sure I know how to meet new people. Classes are already halfway over, everyone has formed their little cliques and the same five people attend every one of my parties (all dudes). I’ve tried to talk to girls on the bus, but it always ends up the same way:

ME: “What are you listening to?”

GIRL: (taking out her headphones) What?

ME: Uh… Sorry. (Stares out the window…)

Courting someone new is so subjective anyway, because you rarely know anything about a person besides his or her outward appearance. Sure, a boy may look buff and handsome, but he may also secretly hate America. A girl may wear cute hipster glasses, but she may also listen to 3OH!3 and celebrate Columbus Day.

One of the most important pieces of advice I’ve heard is to not come on too strong. I think that’s fair because no one wants to be obsessed over. We’re (hopefully) looking for someone who likes us, but also has a life outside of us. I usually take this a step further by ignoring cute girls entirely. It may be involuntary and due to nerves, but I’m sure my message is getting across: “We’re perfect for each other. Let’s go out sometime.”

And by “sometime,” I mean “next issue.”

[email protected]