Hi, I’m Chris Slattery.

You may know me as the moderately successful column writer for the Grand Valley Lanthorn or as a bottom-10 semifinalist from GVSU’s own Last Laker Standing competition (two years in a row!). While I make people laugh (or slightly chuckle) for a living, this Halloween, I’m here to talk about something that is no laughing matter: demonic possessions.

Each year, millions of families go through the heartache that comes with an evil spirit latching on to a loved one’s soul and controlling his or her body. Scientists and religious experts are desperately seeking to end demonic possessions forever, but research is still not where it could be.

If you’ve had someone close to you harvest a seed of Satan, life can sometimes screech to a halt. Depending on the severity of the possession, your loved one may be shouting blasphemous phrases or spider-crawling down a flight of stairs. It is important that you shower them with unconditional love and support through this dark time. They may scare you with their grotesque contortions, but that is nothing compared to how terrified they are of themselves.

What they don’t want is pity. Just because someone gets possessed, it does not mean that they are a weak person or faint in spirit. Anyone can be afflicted, from young girls to somewhat older girls.

The good news is there is help. Exorcisms, while having a remarkably low success rate, are available to those in need. Exorcisms are still a bit controversial, largely due to the religious aspect of the procedure. Some see it as little more than spattering a red-eyed monstrous freak with blessed Aquafina and chanting a few scripture passages, but who are we to dismiss its effectiveness? For some, this is all they need: a little bit of faith and a crucifix burning into the decaying skin of their closest relative.

Other ways to help your possessed love one include keeping them comfortable. Bed rest is very important for a possession victim, and it is imperative that they remain on the bed. Floating above can cause cramping and other anxieties, such as a collapsed house.

Ouija boards are not recommended, unless your goal is to fight the devil with Milton-Bradley.

As a celebrity who has had a family member suffer through demonic possession, I feel that it is my duty to tell everyone affected that there is hope. Even if someone close to you is now hell-bent on murdering you, “optimism” is a word that is understood in all languages, even when they are speaking in tongues.

We are racing toward a cure, but until then, you can lend a hand by donating to research charities and purchasing anti-demon bracelets from your local church or Hot Topic retail store. All proceeds go to fighting demonic possessions.

Together, we can stop this terrible curse once and for all. We’ve waited long enough, and some of us can’t fall asleep with you staring at us from the foot of our beds.

Thank you, and have a merry Halloween.

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