I feel like it’s pretty obvious that I celebrate Christmas — I have Christmas lights lining my bedroom window, my iPod is primarily filled with Christmas-themed songs throughout December and I firmly believe that carrying mistletoe in my pocket “just in case” is not creepy.

Because I celebrate this particular holiday, a recent Facebook status I’ve seen going around caught my attention. I’m including it in full because I want everyone to read every word:

“WHAT A CROCK OF SH!T….. We can’t say Merry Christmas now we have to say Happy Holidays. We can’t call it a Christmas tree, it’s now called a Holiday Tree? Because it might offend someone. If you don’t like our “Customs” and it offends you so much then GO BACK TO YOUR OWN COUNTRY. I will help you pack. They are called customs and we have our traditions. Don’t Like It…. PISS OFF!!! We don’t go and tell you how to run your S— Hole! If you… agree with this…please post this as your status!! I AM A PROUD AMERICAN CITIZEN… MERRY CHRISTMAS Do you have what it takes to re-post this?”

First of all, I’m so relieved that people are finally saying what I’ve been thinking all of these years! I mean, I would have utilized proper grammar and employed ellipses with a bit more finesse, but the message is clear: In America, it’s Christmas or bust.

If there’s one thing that our country is good at, it’s not being tolerant of other peoples’ beliefs. Since Christmas has become the behemoth shopping extravaganza it is, there’s really no room for any other faiths or customs. I don’t even have enough space in my brain for another seasonal greeting. “Happy Holidays?” Really? It’s alliterative and all-encompassing. What’s to like about that?

According to my third-grade teacher, we formed this country to escape religious persecution, and I’ll be damned if immigrants think they can practice their silly beliefs while we take our holiday seriously and hang delicate glass balls on dying trees we put in our homes.

But don’t take this as a mean thing — we’re even offering to help these heathens pack when they decide to return to their hole-in-the-ground country (i.e. any place that is not America). In fact, these other people are being mean for wanting to be included! I hate including people, as shown through my one-man fantasy football league.

People call America a “melting pot,” a metaphor I hate. If you melt a pot too much, you can’t use it!

Go back to Hanukkahland or Kwanzaa City or the Diwali Islands if you have a problem with our country’s clear religious and commercial preference. This is America — the land of the Santa and the home of the yule log.

It’s not ignorant at all to ignore-uh the menorah.

If you have what it takes, cut this out of the newspaper and tape it up somewhere, or post it on your Facebook. If you don’t, I won’t invite you to join my league next year.

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