Dear Lanthorn and Lanthorn Readers,

My name is Chris. I don’t know if anyone at Grand Valley remembers me, but I used to have a column on this very opinion page of the Lanthorn last year and the year before that. Then I graduated and moved out to Lansing.

That should be the end of this story.

Instead, my life at GV has turned into the third Lord of the Rings movie; it’s taking forever to wrap up. Also, I’ve had the pleasure of visiting an evil volcano and throwing a ring-shaped metaphor into it.

It’s been a weird year.

Recently, I asked GV for a transcript of my records. I needed them for a collage. That’s right, a collage: an assemblage of scraps of paper to create a new whole. Don’t judge. I’ve had a lot of downtime and have spent it scrolling through Pinterest.

When the records office mailed me my grades, they included a note that included the following sentence: “We reviewed your transcript and found that you failed to enroll in a course required to complete your BA.” Such a note confused me. I didn’t quite understand what this meant. Surely they couldn’t just revoke my diploma after the gradua—

“As a university, we reserve the right to revoke any diploma after the graduation ceremony if our records show an incomplete curriculum.”

Oh.

After a very heated conversation with the records office, I learned two things:

1. This happens roughly four times a year. They’ve been trying to get Greg Monahan for a while now but can’t find his permanent address.

2. I have to come back to Grand Valley State University for another semester.

I talked to Anya, the Editor in Chief, and she was gracious enough to give me my old columnist job again, causing next fall’s Editor-In-Chief to suffer a brain aneurism (he’s heard the stories). As for my other job, Campus Dining said they’d get back to me about my old student managing position, but told me “not to hold [my] breath, scum stain.” I’m taking that as a maybe.

While I have been know to make jokes in the past, I can’t stress the severity of this situation. I have a life in Lansing now: living with my mom, working as a janitor, no girlfriend. I mean, I can’t be expected to drop everything just to return and become a (gasp) glorified non-traditional student.

What startles me is how something this paramount to a graduate’s success—actual graduation—could be taken away so easily. It’s a broken system, sadly, and I’m not sure there is any way to reform it. My parents are pleased as punch, as you can imagine.

So, with my tail between my legs and my diploma invalid, I return to Grand Rapids today, the first day in April to show everyone that, even though I’m a year older, I haven’t changed a damn bit.

Love,

Chris Slattery

If you would like to console Chris Slattery, please email [email protected]