Last week, tweets pertaining to the astrological symbol, Ophiuchus, skyrocketed. In a society where no one cares about the zodiac anymore, suddenly this “new” constellation rekindled the heated debate that I call—pertaining to no copyright infringement—the “War of Stars.”

The inclusion of this new snake-wrestling horoscope is a really big deal for this generation. Not only will the additional sign create changes in how we interact with our future children astrologically, but it also finally gives our age group our own personal metric system.

Let me explain, because I’m not using the term “metric system” as a way to measure masses. Instead, the “metric system” is used as a term to describe an idea that enhances science but also jeopardizes how we view basic designs we learned in elementary school.

Every American decade has had its own “metric system.” For example, when the U.S. government attempted to switch to the metric system in the 1980s, it was because every other country in the world was using it. Actually, scratch that—Liberia and Bhurma also do not use the metric system, but this is likely due to their insanely oppressive military regimes. Regardless, at least Americans gave it a shot for roughly five minutes before realizing that units of measurement that are divisible by 10 are really difficult to figure out.

Additionally, people could never figure out which of the two pronunciations of the word “kilometer” was phonetically correct. This is also what is holding the “Pirates of the Caribbean” franchise from taking off.

Skipping ahead to the 21st century, the scientific community revoked Pluto’s status as a planet largely due to the fact that Pluto is not a planet. Once again, the world cried foul, this time because our solar system seemed inferior with only eight planets.

Furthermore, what kind of a name is “dwarf planet?” Are we renaming Neptune as Snow White to keep an eye on all of these dwarf planets? There is no doubt in my mind that the Disney Corporation was behind the whole conspiracy – Pluto was a small world, after all.

Flash-forward to last week, when astronomers announced a new 13-horoscope system. Astrological outrage ensued because the zodiac is a sacred chart and should not be influenced by some new discovery.

…Unless you take into account the fact that Ophiuchus should have been incorporated thousands of years ago. It is as if everyone at NASA was bored one day and said, “Yeah, we don’t have much to do this week. Let’s tell everyone about this constellation!”

Ophiuchus was a nice distraction from classes starting up, and it was prime fodder for astrologist-bashers who required new ammunition. Suddenly, college students who were finally gaining some perspectives as to the kind of person they were growing into faced an identity crisis from the heavens.

Even though the new sign only affects people born after 2009, criticism was rampant.

The universe is not immune to change – it just finds it annoying.

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