Valentines’ Day is upon us and love is in the air.

It lingers in the atmosphere and you could practically choke on its perfume. It’s so thick you could cut it into little pieces and peddle it as chocolate delights.

If you’re not in a relationship on Valentine’s Day, it can be a holiday of exclusion and depression. While couples daintily nibble on dishes expertly crafted at elegant restaurants, everyone else gorges on massive helpings of disgusting stomach filth. Couples clink their glasses of fine wine together in celebration of their quaint and beautiful relationship, while everyone else chugs a whole bottle just so something else is as empty inside.

Can’t you feel the joy? If not, enjoy Singles Awareness Da—

No, shut up! Shut your single mouth! This is why you’re alone!

Okay, I’m sorry — that was rude. I just hate when people call Valentine’s Day “Singles Awareness Day.” It was cute until SAD found its way onto professionally-made greeting cards and my Facebook feed cluttered up annually with the same slogan: “Happy Singles Awareness Day.”

There’s no other holiday that separates into different factions based on individuals — St. Patrick’s Day is an Irish holiday, but there aren’t any Chinese or Jamaican protestors asking to commemorate other nationalities. Halloween is a time to scare children, and imagine how creepy it would be if neighbors decided to decorate their houses like candy to entice youngsters instead.

Hansel and Gretel is still pertinent, folks.

So why should Valentines’ Day break up from a single holiday? Yes, “break up” and “single”… Somebody stop me…

Let me break down that phrase to explain why no one should mention, let alone celebrate such a bogus observance.

First comes the “Happy,” as in “Oh, it’s soooooo ironic and satirical because today actually celebrates couples and being with another person, which is depressing to me.” Your hipster adjectives don’t amuse me (and they’re too mainstream anyway).

Next up is “Singles,” which essentially advertises to the world, “I have no one!” If we hadn’t already picked up the cue from your Facebook relationship status and the constant and vague musings about how you “miss someone,” this certain raises a lonely red flag.

Thirdly, and possibly the worst part, is “Awareness,” as if your solitude was some debilitating illness that required a reminder of its existence (see the above paragraph). If we’re really raising awareness that you’re single and “happy,” why not design a telethon to raise money or produce a compilation album like we do for AIDS and starvation? However, unlike the latter two, no one is really looking to cure your affliction at this point.

Finally, we end with “Day,” which insinuates that there is only one 24-hour period out the year where non-relationship people can celebrate their situation. While this would be an ideal circumstance for annoyed people like me, it’s really only a dream.

So, come tomorrow, I hope that all you single people will think twice before “celebrating” SAD and then behaving like any other day. Take it easy, you’ll find that someone eventually. Until then, break off a chocolate piece from your neighbor’s house and cry in the dark like the rest of us.

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