Surviving spring break (literally)

Kevin VanAntwerpen

Hello again, friends. It’s me. Your caretaker. Your guardian. The one person you can trust in this gruesome and chaotic world. Over the course of the last few semesters, I have doused vast quantities of wisdom on the Lanthorn readers — from how not to die alone, to how to celebrate your 21st birthday. Once again, I’m going to give you the gentle kiss of awesomeness right smack dab on the forehead. It’s spring break, people. Here’s how not-to-die.

Avoid cabins in the woods

Okay, so really, at this point you shouldn’t even have to consider this. Any half-cocked frat boy suffering from alcoholism and alpha-male tendencies (you know who you are) knows that by renting a cabin in the woods, you’re signing your death warrant. Chainsaws. Bat-winged vampire monsters. Zombies. Escaped serial killers. Sure, some chick is bound to pull her top off at some point. But that relationship isn’t going to go anywhere — she’s the first to die. Then comes the black guy. Then the annoying nerdy kid. Then, hate to break it to you, you’re next. Unless you’re either of the aforementioned categories. But if that’s the case, I state again. Why would you even be thinking about that?

Taking a plane anywhere

Airplanes are like sardine cans meant for crashing people into mountains. Plus, if you travel with a soccer team, the likelihood you and your fellow surviving passengers will be forced to eat each other increases exponentially. Plus, if you’re of Arabic decent, you can pretty much expect everyone to blame the plane crash on you. Sure, maybe it was engine failure. But everyone needs a villain. For this reason, if you do find yourself travelling by air, always carry a golden lamp — you can convince them it has a genie, and that you’ll turn them all to dust if they try to eat you first.

Don’t be a beach

Sharks. Really people. I don’t care what the Discovery Channel says, I’ve seen “Jaws.” God created sharks to rid the world of morons who go swimming with little cuts. Even if you’re not eaten by a shark, you’ll probably get stung by a jellyfish and a stranger will be forced to pee on you. That’s uncomfortable for all involved.

Big cities

Sharks are scary. But imagine a 50-story tall shark with legs, a tail and the ability to breathe fire. Its name is Godzilla, and his parents raised it on smashing matchbox cars.

He’s also seen a lot of propaganda films about how humans treat geckos and iguanas, so he’s pretty racist about that kind of stuff.

What you should do to enjoy spring break

Homework. Catch up for the last weeks of the semester. Maybe, if there’s extra time, you can knit. Knitting is really safe and you get nice blankets that keep you warm. So do that.