Why nobody should consider voting for (or marrying) Newt Gingrich

Kevin VanAntwerpen

Folks, I’m here to talk to you about Mr. Potato Head. No, not the toy. I’m talking about a guy who actually really looks like he has a potato for a head: Newt Gingrich.

Newt is campaigning for the Republican ticket in the 2012 presidential election. I’m writing to tell you why, even if you’re the staunchest of Republicans, you shouldn’t give him your support. I’m mostly writing this because I realize how popular Gingrich is on college campuses across the country. It really scares me how many female dorm rooms I’ve seen adorned with posters of a shirtless Newt.

So let me explain. I believe the biggest reason Newt Gingrich does not deserve your vote is this — he’s untrustworthy. I personally believe that the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. Let’s take a look at Newt’s past:

Newt’s first marriage was to Jackie Battley, his former high school geometry teacher (as if that’s not creepy enough), a woman seven years his senior. It fell apart in 1980 after 18 years due to Newt’s affair with his soon-to-be second wife, Marianne Ginther. While Battley told the press that Newt had come to visit her on Mother’s Day in the hospital (did I mention she was diagnosed with cancer?) to ask for a divorce, Newt denied these claims. Instead, he insisted Battley had asked for the divorce. Funny thing — last year CNN dug up those divorce records (which had been hidden away in a file clerk’s drawer for years). Turns out Newt filed the claim, saying: “the marriage of the parties is irretrievably (sic) broken.”

Okay. So. I know what you’re thinking. What’s so bad? Who hasn’t promised eternal fidelity to a woman, only to find a younger and healthier woman after 18 years of marriage? Who hasn’t lied about divorce documents to the entirety of America? Nobody’s perfect.

But oh, my friends, it gets better. Fast forward to 1993.

At this point, Marriane Gingrich must’ve felt pretty awesome about herself, right? She managed to nab a budding politician from his wife. Maybe she thought it was because their love had some sort of Disney Channel magnetism, creating an inseparable bond between the two. Maybe she just thought she was an all around better package than Newt’s first wife.

Either way, it didn’t really matter. There’s something funny about marrying a cheater — if you expect them not to cheat again, you’re expecting them to be something they’re not. Cheat again is exactly what Newt did, this time with a woman 23 years younger than him. It took seven years from the beginning of the affair for a divorce happen, in 2000. Marriane Ginther would later appear on ABC claiming that Newt had asked to be shared with his mistress.

Meanwhile, during all of this, Gingrich had blasted the Clinton-Gore administration for their moral bankruptcy and opposed gay marriage rights because he believes in the “sanctity of marriage.” Makes sense, right?

America — don’t let Newt Gingrich marry you. No matter how often he says he loves you, it’s just a matter of time before you come home to find him makin’ the dirty on the couch with Mexico, Bosnia or, God forbid, that little minx, China.

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