After getting my shot to practice with the Grand Valley State University dodgeball team, all I can feel is empathy for their opponents. Well, that and the pounding in my head.

These guys are good. Scary good, and I mean that literally because their team captain, Jimmy Stokes, looks like a middle linebacker and throws like Randy Johnson.

The GVSU dodgeball team has won four straight national championships, and about one minute into practice – when Stokes threw a dodgeball through my chest – I realized why.

Now when I say ‘practice,’ I mean everyone plays dodgeball for two hours. Other than warming up by throwing against the wall, which is when I exhausted my arm trying to look cool by whipping the ball as hard as I could, there were no other drills. All dodgeball from there, which allowed me plenty of time to be targeted by anyone and everyone who decided it’d be fun to hit the ‘newspaper kid,’ as they referred to me.

And that explains the aforementioned pounding in my head – I don’t know if it was because everyone knew I was from the Lanthorn or if it’s because I look like the human version of a bobblehead, but I got railed in the face on four separate occasions by my opponents. On one play, I thought I’d be intimidating and try and hit Stokes after he got me out earlier. I threw the ball, and before it even reached him, his teammate clobbered me with a fastball to the side of the face. I never even saw it. But I’m still feeling it.

Oh, and in case you’re keeping score at home, Stokes easily dodged my slow-pitch-softball-quality attempt.

The first time I got someone out was not at all due to any skill or ability on my behalf. No, I took a dodgeball right off the forehead after a throw from team treasurer Greg Trippiedi, but it happened to ricochet 20 feet into the air and into the hands of my teammate. That means he’s out…I guess.

In addition to getting my face rearranged, I failed to get one single person out by hitting them in the entire two-hour period. The closest I came is when I almost pegged a girl in the face. She was one of the few women who had the bravery to show up, and I was an inch away from making sure she never came back. But see, I was aiming at her feet. I was always an awful, awful pitcher in baseball – I once walked six batters in two-thirds of an inning on the mound, until I was mercifully yanked – and I guess that translates into being an equally bad dodgeball player.

So with a headache and a sore arm, I now understand why the GVSU dodgeball team is having trouble getting teams to show up to this weekend’s Laker Dodgeball Invitational. It’s simple – because they’re not stupid. These teams can get concussions by banging their heads against a wall at home. No need to travel to Allendale to let a dodgeball do the same thing.

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