Give your employer your Facebook password

Kevin VanAntwerpen

I was enthralled when I read an article in the New York Times the other day, describing a new trend among employers: they’d ask job applicants for their Facebook login and password. You know – just to make sure the applicant isn’t a pedophile or something like that.

I totally believe in this philosophy. It’s why every time I go on a date, I ask the girl for recent check stubs, medical records and often her text and image-message history from the past four years. Oh, and the keys to her house for a surprise inspection (I save that one for last — tends to get a negative reaction). Because, I mean, in this culture, that woman may look like a cute blonde with strawberry freckles, but deep down she could be anything — a terrorist, or God forbid, maybe even Snooki in disguise.

I do understand those of you who have a concern for privacy. I know I’d be ashamed if they found all the self-nudes and love notes I’ve been sending to Willem Dafoe’s Twitter account every day. He still hasn’t replied — I know, it’s crazy, right? How could a man so beautiful ever pay attention to little old me?

But I digress.

Recently Facebook made a statement informing employers that it was against the site’s terms-of-use to ask for another person’s private information. This makes me want to find Mark Zuckerberg and slap his face right off of his face. I mean, really, Mark? Like you’ve never intercepted and read someone’s mail just to make sure they weren’t a threat. It’s the same thing.

Two Democratic senators have also asked the Attorney General to investigate the practice, since it would technically be a violation of federal law. This one’s easier to explain — everyone knows liberals oppose anything that would protect us from the enemy (such as feeling up old ladies at the airport, and listening in on sex-line phone calls in case they say things like “bomb” or “destroy the free world as we know it”).

Sure, they say it’s about civil liberties and freedom, but those things died in the 1800s.

Let’s face it. There’s nothing in this world more important than security. Not freedom. Not dignity. Not self respect. Because if that girl you’re on a date with turns out to be a Kardashian, she’d totally tie you to the bed and break your knees (“You won’t be needing those anymore”) and all your freedom, dignity, and self-respect would vanish anyway.