Things you should be afraid of

Kevin VanAntwerpen

The world is a dangerous place, filled with things that could kill you, injure you or make you suffer mild bouts of discomfort. From talking to strangers to jogging at night (anytime later than 4:30 p.m. is danger-time, as far as I’m concerned – but sometimes I go out later than 6 with a reflector vest), it’s almost hard to keep track of the dangerous things. So to help you out, I’ve made a list of the top things you should be afraid of this week!

Radiation from Japan: The disaster in Japan was bad enough on its own. But now you’ve got to worry about radiation from those power plants coming over here and giving unborn American children multiple heads. What’s worse is that our health stores are running out of kelp, which I’m told works just like spinach does on those Popeye cartoons. My best suggestion to avoid radiation is to line your clothing with aluminum foil. Also, make yourself a swanky aluminum foil hat. Those things never go out of style.

Rising gas prices: I have a nickname for gas prices – “the devil’s playground.” One minute, prices are hovering steady at $3.41 a gallon. The next, Satan’s enormous, bony hands rise from the bowels (haha) of hell and adjust the sign to read $3.61. Because who else but the prince of evil would force you to pay an extra five dollars every time you fill up your tank? I don’t know about you, that’s too much for me. That’s five dollars I’d have spent on a box of bear claw donuts after working out. Trust me. If gas prices rise 20 cents a gallon, it’s time to panic. Just look at the history books. Gas prices rose to almost five dollars a gallon during the last days of Rome, and look what happened to the Romans. They went from world superpower to spring break destination for wannabe art nerds.

Lindsay Lohan: If you’re like me, you close your blinds at night because you’re worried Lindsay Lohan might be hiding in your yard, watching you with her binoculars. When reported last Friday that the superstar will be surgically (and legally) removing her Lohan and simply refer to herself as “Lindsay”, I screamed. Now that she’s dropping the last name, she could be any Lindsay. Next time you’re in Applebee’s and the friendly waitress named Lindsay offers to bring you spinach artichoke dip, think again. It could be The Lohan trying to slip you roofies disguised as delicious, cheesy goodness. Next time that cute girl in class named Lindsay seems a little bit more into you than girls usually are, don’t fall for it. She wants to eat your brains.

Jack Nicholson’s Eyebrows: The only known piece of facial hair to adopt an anarchist form of government. That, and The Shining made me cry myself to sleep. That’s all I have to say.

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