Give up on your New Year’s resolutions now

Kevin VanAntwerpen

It’s been 17 days since New Year’s, which means most of you probably gave up on your resolutions 15 days ago. But for those of you who haven’t, I have this message – surrender now. You’re not going to make it.

I’m looking at you, guy-who-vowed-to-work-out-every-day. Your struggle to build bulk and become sexy is pretty much futile. Based solely on the popularity of KFC’s double-down chicken sandwich, by the time you’ve got muscles, everyone in America will be upwards of 300 lbs. Fit will be out of style.

And you – writer who vowed that this would be the year you’d finally finish that first draft. C’mon. America doesn’t want your high-brow literary mumbo-jumbo filled with things like “plot” and “character development”. If people wanted that kind of stuff, Stephanie Meyer wouldn’t have a job.

No, there are more important things you could be doing than “following your dreams” or “becoming the person you want to be”. Imagine how many episodes of Glee you could’ve watched with all that time you wasted at the gym. Or how many levels you could’ve ranked up on Call of Duty: Black Ops.

I know right now you’re probably thinking ‘but my parents told me I could do anything – even be President if I wanted to.’ But you really shouldn’t be listening to that kind of stuff. It’s just something motivated people say to encourage you to make something of your life.

After all, John Cusack Apocalypse Day approaching in 2012, is it really worth trying to be good at anything? The Mexican feather-serpent Quetzalcoatl is probably going to peck the world into oblivion with his hell-beak in a couple of years anyway.

So this is just a healthy reminder to forget about your New Years resolutions. Who wants to work for a fulfilling life when you could have an easy, mediocre life, anyway? So get out of the gym shorts and pick up a bag of potato chips.

You’ve got a wonderfully boring life ahead of you, and you might as well enjoy it.

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