Lanthorn Editorial Board demands pictures of Spider-Men

Courtesy / Professor John Golden

There is a menace gripping Grand Valley State University’s Allendale Campus. Pervading the lives of students, faculty and staff, indecently and insect-like, this threat risks the sanity and civility of every member of the GVSU community. This menace is known as Spider-Man. Or, Spider-Men, plural. 

These menacing Spider-Men have been spotted walking through Kirkhof, on the Little Mac bridge and outside of the Lubbers Student Services Center. Imagine, sitting in Kirkhof. Eating sushi, while a masked arachnid in tights strolls past you, holding doors open for students and stopping to take pictures with curious onlookers. This kind of unnerving, mind-boggling nightmare was sprung upon one of the Grand Valley Lanthorn’s confidential sources, and it could happen to you, too. 

Spotted all over GVSU’s campus have been anonymous figures– presumably students– dressed like Spider-Man, wearing backpacks and walking to classes. 

Fringe theorists have postulated potential links between this phenomenon and New York Comic Con, which occurred over this past weekend, or the upcoming Spider-Man movie, which will release in December. However, no such connection has been made. 

The true agenda of these web-spinning strangers is unknown, but one can only assume the worst about their mysterious intentions. Perhaps they wish to leave their webs all over the new windows at the Mary Idema Pew Library or perhaps they’re in cahoots with some unseen cephalopod-themed supervillain. Whatever their goal is revealed to be, it is undoubtedly nefarious. 

These Spider-Men have reportedly been kind and genial, but it’s clear this is only a ruse meant to ensnare gullible students and faculty into their certainly unseemly– and possibly megalomaniacal– schemes. 

The surefire way to handle this pernicious spider-mania is to expose it; shining lights on bugs always sends them scurrying away to the dark, creepy corners they call their home. While it risks playing right into their spidery, tiny-haired hands, the Lanthorn Editorial Board encourages students to send pictures of these infamous Spider-Men to [email protected] (no relation).