Neighbors, the one group of people that know you better than most but probably don’t really know you at all. Since I moved out of the house cough years ago I’ve encountered just about every type of neighbor anybody would ever hope to meet (or not). Over the years I’ve also learned ways to be a decent neighbor myself. Understanding the different types of neighbors will help you not only know how you fit into the community, but will also help you deal with some of the more difficult neighborly situations.

The Borrower – This is the neighbor that seemingly lives in an empty house/apartment. The classic “Do you have any sugar?” will be brought to new heights with “Can I borrow a can opener?” or the most annoying “Do you have any toilet paper?” (that’s actually happened to me). Trust me, if you encounter this neighbor you have to stop this trend before it starts.

Just assure them that you don’t go shopping either and save yourself some awkward interactions. Nobody likes saying no, but even more so after saying yes; nip it in the bud and let them know that your stuff is to remain yours. If you’re this person, well – go to the store and buy things. If you seriously don’t have something as essential as toilet paper in your house you should be ashamed of yourself.

The Weirdio – This was me in my first apartment. You know, the neighbor you see all the time but don’t really know anything about. Will flash a friendly smile but never actually start a conversation.

Piles of mail in front of their mailbox as they stay inside their apartment for days at a time….Those were the days…. Well, the best thing to do in this case is make a friend! That is if they’re loner weird; not doll head collector weird. If you can’t tell the difference just stay clear and leave the communication to the other, more astute neighbors.

If you’re this person, go outside! I know whatever game, project or movie marathon you’re in the middle of seems way more interesting than your neighbors (or the outside world in general) but trust me, you’ll appreciate doing something besides sitting on your ass in the long run.

The Complainer – Even if you still live at home you’ve probably experienced this one. The neighbor that just can’t stand to know that somebody is having fun without them. In apartments they’re the ones slamming broomsticks into the ceiling every time you have more than two people over. Or the neighbor that calls the cops the moment people begin parking in front of your house. These people are the worst, especially if they don’t actually talk to you about it. If you encounter these people, communication is key. Ensure them that any problems can be talked over and police (or broomsticks) are not necessary. An easy way to go about this is just giving them your cell number.

Once again make sure that they’re not a hybrid Weirdie/Complainer because that will only end badly. If you’ve found yourself calling the cops or wielding a broom handle without actually talking to your neighbors, loosen up! We all understand that you’re paying to live here, but so are we. Calm down.

The Noisemaker – Speaking to the character foil of the complainer, here we find the people the complainers complain about. This is one of those groups that’s really hard to peg. In fact I think it warrants two subsections: the lovers/fighters and party people.

The Lovers/Fighters – This subsection is generally reserved for those living in apartments. I’m actually living above one of these couples. You have no idea what it’s like to wake up to the sound of what seems to be a wounded animal yelping for the sweet release of death. It’s awful. I never complain but I die a bit on the inside every time. Bottom line: Nobody wants to hear you have sex or argue with your partner. If you encounter these people…do what you want, I have no idea how to approach a situation this awkward.

Party People – Unfortunately I’ve been falling into this category since I moved in with my best friend. I genuinely feel sorry about the 4 a.m. slap boxing matches. And the 3 a.m. chair races across the hardwood floors. The thing is, you never really see your patterns until they’re in front of you. For the sake of cohesion you need to address this problem as soon as possible. The more polite you are, the better. Who knows? You might actually get invited to the party.

[email protected]