An optimist’s view on breaking up in college

Chris Slattery

Dumpee: Now don’t get too upset. Yes, the person who promised to love you for the rest of your life is gone.

And she’s never coming back.

But cheer up — it’s not the end of the world as you know it. You’ll feel fine. Society has crafted this depressing stigma that goes along with being dumped. In fact, there is quite the silver lining to go along with this ordeal (which isn’t quite as good as a gold lining, but still pays pretty well).

This is not some misguided, sentimental crap about how the other person is happier now because they were honest with themselves. No, screw that person. They broke your heart like a cardiac arrest, and they will get their karmic retribution down the road.

Instead, try to focus on the positives. Say by chance, you met in one of your classes this year (because we all know that Diagnostic Microbiology really turns the ladies on). Now you have the perfect psychological revenge setting: silently show up to class every day looking as if Death punched you in the face to gain the sympathy from your peers, and your ex will wallow in their remorseful shell of lamentation.

In the end, you win.

Dumper: Sup, bra! You did good, right? Hit it and quit it? That’s my dawg!

You just have integrity spilling out of your ears.

Wait, you don’t feel good about the situation either? It’s understandable. It can be a challenge to tear someone’s heart out like Kano did in Mortal Kombat. No one really wants to dump another person and carry that human-sized weight around like a crucifix you used to make out with.

What’s worse is that society has labeled you the evil one for destroying such a sacred union, otherwise known as “going out.” Even if you had the best of intentions, once you obtain the label of various four-letter words (which sadly do not include “cool” or “nice” or even “righteous”: note, “righteous” is not a four-letter word).

But look on the bright side, just as there was a reason for coming together in the first place (such as a good sense of humor or her being the first person in history to not say “no”), there was also a reason for ending things. And while some excuses are better than others – “she’s completely insane” generally constitutes a solid reason – it gives you the right to have the “We need to talk…” conversation.

Once again, you are your own boss. You call the shots (occasionally by calling for a few too many shots), and there really is no one else for you to disappoint other than yourself. This liberation from the confines of a relationship can be a bit overwhelming, but allows for some fun distractions.

There is the clich?©, “If you love something, let it go,” and while I regret giving up my copy of “Scott Pilgrim vs. the World,” I know it was the right decision… The same applies to people.

In the end, you win?

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