Where’s the beef?: A complaint about Taco Bell

Chris Slattery

What the hell, Taco Bell?

For anyone who knows me, I am a huge advocate for Taco Bell. I eat everything on the menu, from the hard-shell tacos to the soft-shell tacos. That’s why this recent controversy over Taco Bell’s beef has ruined my impression of authentic Mexican cuisine.

As a college student, I love everything about Taco Bell: the prices and the food. The cinnamon twists are so twisty and the fountain drinks are especially carbonated. And the tacos… Taco Bell is unparalleled in the quality of their tacos. This is probably where their name comes from: their food is the “bell” of the ball.

What Taco Bell does is immerse me into the Mexican culture. Everything that is wonderful and delicious and cheesy about our neighbors to the south are fused into authentic culinary representations.

But you know what is not authentic? “Beefy meat” and “beef-flavored substitute,” which are suggested alternative names to be used in future Taco Bell advertisements. I am appalled by the fact that there are people out there who want honest, fact-based advertising for Taco Bell’s food, especially when dealing with something as genuinely Mexican as a Volcano Taco.

Sadly, Taco Bell has admitted that only 36 percent of their meaty filling is actual beef, while the rest falls under the category of non-meat. Yes, Taco Bell food is practically vegetarian.

And this is where I have beef, where “beef” equals “dilemma.” Where am I supposed to go for real Mexican food these days? A Mexican restaurant? Last time I checked, On the Border doesn’t feature a drive-thru and hand out individual packets of hot sauces.

What’s more, with all of this deception from Taco Bell, I don’t even know if I can trust that the hot sauces are even hot. I mean, they have got me to believe that I was eating real beef, so maybe they somehow have also tricked my spiciness perception.

This recent lawsuit against Taco Bell, the one that brought this whole controversy into fruition, is apparently not about any monetary value, but rather about truth in advertising. But this whole conspiracy hasn’t made me think that I’ve gained any information, so much as lost a friend; Taco Bell has always been there for me, especially to satisfy the midnight hunger. While every other Mexican place was closed by midnight, Taco Bell thought outside the bun and stayed open late into the morning, giving us Fourth Meal. Because if there’s one thing we all know about Mexican food, it is that it is best served lukewarm at three in the morning.

However, this past week, with these new accusations and confessions, I feel like Taco Bell has stopped being a friend, has in fact slept with my girlfriend, and then gone on national television to say that he only slept with 36 percent of her.

Whatever, Taco Bell, as long as the Frutista Freezes remain 100 percent fruit, I’ll consider keeping you in business. We all expected Taco Bell to be 100 percent, right?

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