Dear bored Grand Valley State University student,

I know you do not have anything to do next Friday night, and I wish I had a suggestion for you. I wish that there was something, somewhere that could be fun, free entertainment for any GVSU student looking for a good time.

Unfortunately, the only thing going on that night is GVSU’s Last Laker Standing, which is too bad because, unless you like watching your classmates telling really funny jokes, most of your friends are already going.

I understand that stand-up comedy isn’t for everyone. In fact, it certainly is not for you, because you don’t have a sense of humor.

Don’t worry, I know you can be a fun person. Twiddling your thumbs is always a good time and relentlessly tweeting about your sleeping cat can be hours of uninterrupted amusement, but knowing what is funny and what is not just isn’t one of your strong suits.

That is why Last Laker Standing is not the venue for you. Only the cream of the crop of GVSU compete, which is saying something, considering that Allendale has quite a lot of crop.

Stand-up comedy is not easy, either. It’s more than standing in front of a group of people and telling funny stories. It takes a precise and calculated sense of timing and a unshakable and surefire confidence in the material created for the allotted time. Last Laker Standing has tenfold the pressure of delivering a standard speech in class, without the use of a handy PowerPoint presentation to read directly off of. The point is to keep the audience’s attention for as long as possible and make them laugh regularly, rather than spout out Wikipedia-plagiarized facts hardly strung together by weak transitions to a group of people who want to be there as much as you do. The biggest difference, though, is the opportunity to win prizes at the end, instead of getting a B-minus for not formatting the visual aid properly.

I know the excitement of that doesn’t intrigue you. Why should it?

Spotlight Productions, who have been the unfortunate organization that put this event on, attract some of the brightest, freshest, and funniest stand-up comedians from across the country. But why? No one enjoys humor these days.

It’s such a tragedy that so many people will be wasting their $0 next Friday to sit in the Grand River Room, cheering on their friends and peers in a competition that is truly unlike any other on campus. They may even bring vuvuzelas.

You know better than that.

So if I were you, a jaded student with nothing to do on a Friday night, I would skip out on this experience. You have nothing to lose, except quality alone time.

Love,

Chris Slattery