Graduation looming like a horror movie villain

Chris Slattery

Dear graduating students,

I know things seem stressful right now, with graduation right around the corner like a knife-wielding psychopath. I also know that there are plenty of people out there who will be saying to you (if they haven’t already) that you need to have your life in order if you want to get ahead in this world. And I know that “grown-up life” begins in a few short weeks.

But other than the ever-expanding pit of student loans and the creeping doubt that you may have picked the wrong major, everything will be okay.

Sure, everyone says that it will work out. Freaking out is not going to help any, so there really is no need to panic, especially without a panic room, which as it turns out, not everyone is fortunate enough to have.

I’m not going to be that stereotypical parent who asks silly questions like:

“Do you have a house?”

“Have you secured a job yet?”

“Did you know that I rented your room out, so you can’t sleep there if you decide to come back home?”

Instead, I’m going to assume you’re more like me – lazy – in which case, I have different questions to ask:

“What are you going to do with your spare time now that you don’t have to do homework?”

“Are you going to party a lot?”

“I bet you’re going to party a lot.”

In between applying to companies across the state periodically, the truth is that you will need to find something to do. And while spending hours at a time learning the tricks to winning at solitaire sounds really awesome (it doesn’t), there are other, more productive uses of your time. Origami with your bachelor’s degree, for example, is a great way to show the world that you just spent four years of your life preparing for a job market that doesn’t take kindly to newcomers.

But everything will be okay. There are plenty of homeless shelters around Michigan.

Wait, did I say, “homeless shelters”? I meant to say, “Everyone believes in you.”

I’ll be honest, I can’t imagine the kind of pressure that faces you students, as I was “fortunate” enough to require another year of college. It’s a daunting mentality, knowing that, after graduation, the rest of your life begins. Careers, houses and families (if you’re into that kind of thing) are within arm’s reach.

Can you taste it? Can you taste the debt?

I sincerely wish all of you graduates the best of luck, unless you are an acting major, in which case, it is in better form to say, “Break a leg.” I can’t promise that it will all work out in the end, but that’s only because it’s difficult to tell what kind of knife-wielding psychopath is waiting around the next corner.

My advice to you, graduates: plastics.



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