I am like a T-Rex: I am awesome, I have an insatiable appetite for meat and I wish to one day be killed by a giant meteor.

The taste of flesh has always appealed to me, and I believe that this carnivorism is what separates me from other animals.

Well, the lame ones, at least.

That is why I am totally outraged by this new Meatless Mondays decision. Not only does it inhibit how much dead animal I can consume at the beginning of every week, but also – even worse – it encourages vegetarians to continue their inferior lifestyle.

Vegetarians have always seemed substandard to me. Not eating meat because it was once alive doesn’t make sense – considering that vegetables are also considered living organisms. So don’t you dare pass judgment on me, you silly herbivore, until you think about that rich and full onion life you had quashed in replacement of a juicy hamburger.

But back to my point, which is making me queasy just thinking about it. Simply because a large group of students felt under-represented in the campus food industry, suddenly drastic changes to the menu must be made?

What would happen if I were allergic to fish? Could I get a Fishless Friday started? I can tell that it would be a huge hit, especially during Lent.

Sure, it’s not as if meat is taken entirely off the menu on Mondays. However, the shear audacity behind limiting meat-based dishes is infuriating. I prefer to have meat potential at full capacity, and creating inventive alternatives is just a cheap ploy by the dining establishments to increase revenue from a group that is undeniably lower on the food chain.

If you can’t find enough vegetables in the cafeteria, go eat a tree. That’s what they’re there for.

Or perhaps we could use this as an alternative: an entirely separate dining hall for vegans and such. Quarantined entirely from any of the “nasty” meat particles, the building would be made entirely from tofu and soy. The structural integrity may not be solid, but neither is a vegetarian diet.

Everyone knows that meat is absolutely the only source of protein for the human body. We also know that all vegetables taste disgusting. In fact, I am still not convinced that they actually hold any nutritional value. Show me the lab results. I dare you.

Reducing meat consumption may be beneficial to the environment, but does it sound like I care? Not one bit. With the choice of sustainability or steak, the answer is pretty clear — sustainability just doesn’t taste as good smothered in A1 sauce.

Mondays are always the worst days in the week, so Campus Dining and the Humane Society of Grand Valley State University have upped the unpleasantness ante to ludicrous new heights.

Therefore, in protest, I will no longer do any homework on Wednesdays. These new Workless Wednesdays will hopefully send a message to any supporters of Meatless Mondays that deceased animals are here to stay… until the meteor comes.

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